It all started with Disney World in January this past year and ended with Great Escape in NY this past weekend, with four days at Hershey Park smooshed in between like a s’mores.  I’m done with theme parks.  Stick a fork in me and cover my eyes because I have seen and heard it all and most of it ‘aint pretty.  A lot of it is actually disgusting so we’ll start there…

1.  The food at theme parks is the worst in all the world.  Here’s the thing, most of the people IN the parks do not need to get fatter.  Parks should be selling lettuce (not even a full salad!) and a few nuts in a cup with water.  Just water.  Shame on you Disney for the absolute crap you sell in your parks!  The food at the hotel was nutritious (including the kids meals) and delicious and the food at the parks was almost unrecognizable as food.  What gives?

Trust me Goofy - you do not want to eat that!

Trust me Goofy – you do not want to eat that!

2.  People pull out their best attire for a day of walking around the park:

The guy I saw this on weighed about 250.  Touche sir!

The guy I saw wearing this weighed about 250. Touche sir!

 

This was one of my favorites.

This was one of my favorites.  And I needed many drinks after 4 hours in any given park.

The other trend was women in their yoga pants (and tops)…at a theme park…in the summer.  What?  I do not get this AT ALL!  Was there a yoga class ride somewhere I was missing?

3.  Things I overhead other moms saying (or yelling at the top of their lungs) to their kids:

“If you drag your feet off this stroller one more time I’m gonna kick your butt.”  Classy!

“Mother F**ker!”  Ok, that was me when I dropped my sunglasses into a toilet at Disney as I was trying to get myself and the twins into a stall so we could all pee.  Kill me!

“Don’t touch that.  Don’t touch that.  Don’t touch it.  DON’T TOUCH IT!”

“Oh sorry honey, that ride is out of order” When it totally wasn’t.  It was actually moving.  With kids on it.

“I’m having the best time sweetie.  I love you.”  JUST KIDDING!  I definitely did not hear that!

4.  You can play a bunch of ridiculous, overpriced games and win some really amazing prizes:

 

You know you want a bearded corn man with a cowboy hat.  Don't get jealous.

Jealous? You know you want a bearded corn man wearing a cowboy hat.

5.  Obese people on scooters.  Do they ride the rides?  Do they just eat the food?  Are they spectating?  Help me out with this one.

 

Luckily the svelte guy in the wheelchair is helping out.

Luckily the svelte guy in the wheelchair is giving a helping foot up that steep incline.

6.  There are designated smoking sections.  In a park filled with kids, could we perhaps not light up for a few hours?  It smells, it gives you cancer and it’s 2013.  Enough with the smoking.

7.  You can get unexpectedly drenched.  My kids found this out the hard way and it was hysterical!  Maybe this is where the scooter people hang out to spectate:

8. You can buy and wear things you normally wouldn’t, all in the name of the “theme.”  When you’re in the theme park environment you tend to get sucked into purchasing things that you wouldn’t really ever wear in your normal everyday life.  Ever. This is especially rampant at Disney World where grown women dress up as Ariel (trust me, you do not want the visual on that) and men as pirates or Buzz Lightyear.  It’s just weird.  I, on the other hand refrained from such behavior:

What?  I totally wear these to drop the boys off at school.

What? I totally wear these to drop the boys off at school.

9.  You can see your husband cheat death.  Right before the hubs decided to be lifted over 200 feet in the air and then released into the abyss, I told him I would leave his ass if he became a quadriplegic. It was a tender moment.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

10.  You see the biggest smiles on your kids faces that you may have ever seen in their lives.  They get excited to wake up in the morning and to go to bed at night.  It’s an experience in patience for sure, but there’s a huge pay off:

How many times have you seen a real life Reese's Peanut Butter Cup man?

How many times have you seen a real life Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup man?

 

How many times can we ride this one mom?

One of them is smiling.  I’ll take that as a win!

 

My child is in there somewhere...loving every second!

My child is in there somewhere…loving every second!

And because of that, you deal with the crappy food and the smoking and the lines and heat.  At the end of the day, it was well worth it and I’m sure we’ll back next summer, and the summer after that…

And one day (although it seems unimaginable to me now) I will weep with regret that we don’t have two little boys to take to theme parks anymore.

Did you visit a park this year?  What’s the best and worst thing about them?

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