It’s been a while since I talked about some of the ridiculous (to me) health and fitness trends and why I won’t follow them. I know I should never say never but, the chances of me doing almost anything on this updated list are about as likely as me falling in love with cooking and spending all my time in the kitchen instead of a gym. And, just so you know, I have indulged in only one of the trends I made fun of the first time around — meditation.

It may seem like I’m making some of this stuff up but trust me, I saw this list on Well + Good and well, it was too good to pass up making a mockery of it. < – – See what I did there? 

ANTI-INFLAMMATORY FOODS

First of all, how do you know if your insides are “inflamed?” If it’s because of what these foods are supposedly fighting off – – “bloating, acne and life threatening illnesses,” – – I’m pretty sure you can clear those first two up with eating more fruits and veggies and less sugar, saturated fat and carbohydrates. And, if you’re battling a life threatening illness, I don’t think sprinkling turmeric in your hot chocolate or drinking gallons of ginger tea is going cure you because if it did, wouldn’t we be giving people IVs of nut milks instead of chemo? #justsayin

The kicker: “Starbucks just planted its flag with a new anti-inflammatory drink made with cayenne called the Chile Mocha.” What the hell is happening to us as a civilization? Stop the madness.

POT-INFUSED EVERYTHING

It’s so typical for this country to go from punishment by incarceration for carrying an ounce of weed to mass producing it and “infusing” marijuana into everything possible. Ah ‘Merica.

According to Well + Good you will now be able to purchase everything from food to beauty products with marijuana in them. They sight “a growing body of scientific research” showing these products help reduce anxiety and stress and boost your mood. Is the “scientific research” a bunch of people getting high because I don’t think we actually need to study these effects to know the outcome.

Get this – –  “…as states continue to legalize marijuana, you’ll see it moving into cooking, winemaking, and even fitness.” Cooking? Yes. Anything that gets me to cook more, I’m willing to try. Fitness? Hell no! How anyone can workout when high, I will never understand.

The kicker: None of it will actually get you high. The products will be using cannabidiol or CBD which is the non-psychoactive extra from THC. Um, what? Wait, what’s the point then?

MENSTURAL “REALNESS”

I’m warning all the men (yes, all three of you) to just skip to the next one because this is something you definitely do not want to know anything about.

All you ladies may have heard about this new thing called “free bleeding?” Yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like. Basically having your period and choosing not to wear a tampon or pad. Did that sink in? Yeah, ok so there are companies now making specialty underwear for women who want to embrace this. I.just.can’t.

The article does talk about things I’m all for, however, like how insane it is to tax feminine products like tampons with a “luxury” tax because I feel super luxurious when I have my period, don’t you? Right.

The kicker: Our culture “would have us believe that cravings, cramps, and out-of-control emotions are inevitable parts of womanhood,” said Alisa Vitti, a women’s hormone expert, “I’m here to tell you: It’s just not true.” I thought those things were an inevitable part of parenting. Oops!

DITCHING MAKE-UP FOR THE “NATURAL LOOK”

I don’t wear a lot of make-up but I’ve seen a lot of people who really should. This may work in California, New York and Miami but if you have been to a casino, Disney World or Target you know that 87% of the people there (men and women!) need make-up. Please don’t take this away, I’m begging you.

The kicker: “While makeup isn’t going away, authentic beauty is going to be a hot topic—for women and beauty brands—in 2017.” This translates into a marketing scheme by make-up companies. #naturalbeautymyass

SOBER SOCIAL SCENE

Don’t be ridiculous.

The kicker: “NYC’s Club Soda is a new event series with meditation guide Biet Simkin. Their events address how to navigate sober life, from sex and dating without alcohol to avoiding the bar at holiday parties.” If you need a “guide” for any of this then yes, you should definitely stop drinking. Immediately.

 

 

What is your favorite on this list?

Which one have you tried or would you try?

Don’t write me nasty messages about the make-up thing, it’s a joke!