This is a big weekend for me. My husband and I celebrate 10 years of being married and, it’s mother’s day. I’m always grateful to have a sort of happy distraction from mother’s day since my mom died so many years ago.
It’s still somehow very hard to believe that my mom never even met my husband. She wasn’t there to help me plan my wedding and, of course, did not see me walk down the aisle or celebrate with me afterward and hasn’t been a part of my life while building my marriage and family.
There is so much advice that was never given, but also so much she did instill and teach and laugh with me about, for the 17 years we had together.
My brother had an interesting perspective on missing out on all this motherly advice over the years. Maybe, it’s good.
I like to romanticize her memory and think that we would have had this best friendship, that I would call her for advice and she would tell me exactly what I needed to hear. I have visions of her helping me though the worst moments in my parenting, marriage and career and always knowing exactly what to do and say in any given situation.
You all have that relationship with your moms, right?
So, although I would give anything for one more minute with my mom, there are so many things I was never taught or given advice about from her regarding marriage, and so I was forced to form my own opinions and lessons as I made my way though it, motherless.
Neither of us remember when this was taken but it was about 10 years ago. We also have no idea what vehicle we are in or where we are. This is what happens in 10 years of marriage and 7 years of twins.
In honor of mothers and marriages everywhere, I searched out the “best” marriage advice mom’s have for their daughters from Bride’s Magazine, The Knot and my brain. Here is how I ignored it all with my lack of a maternal influence:
Take Your Commitment Seriously
Little known fact: I cancelled my wedding the first time around.
As you all know, I have one speed – fast. My husband worked at the same speed when it came to our relationship. We met, I moved in and we were engaged in a matter of seven months. After we planned an entire destination wedding, I freaked out three months prior, and we postponed it for a year.
I needed the time (we both did) and the wedding went off without a hitch, exactly one year later. It’s funny that I don’t even really think about it now because our wedding weekend in Key West was one of the best in my life. I’m proud of myself for putting on the brakes and making sure I was all in for a lifetime with this man. 10 years later, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Ringing in 2016 at the same place we had our first date and the place we will celebrate our 10 years of marriage!
Be BFFs
My husband will tell you that I hate this one. My husband is not my BFF, Shannon is. I don’t think husbands and wives need to be best friends in the way that children and parents should not be best friends. Of course my husband and I have a great friendship but there are so many things that a man can just not understand, the way a woman can. Namely all the things men do that piss us off. How can I vent to my husband about my husband? Not happening. A girl needs her circle of women, red tent style, to make it though marriage.
We’re BFF’s because she has TWO sets of twins…and knows the importance of a good mimosa early in the morning.
Also, my husband has his own BFF – my dad…
Never Go to Bed Angry
What kind of magical fantasy world does a couple live in where they never go to bed angry? And why does this even matter? I make a point of writing in bridal shower guest books “it’s okay to go to bed angry” because it’s certain someone else has already written the opposite cliche to the poor bride. If every young wife followed that insanity, she would get even less sleep after giving birth.
Just go to bed. Sometimes you need a full night’s rest so you can wake up and know you were positively, absolutely, without a doubt, 100% right.
Follow Your Heart
This was advice my mom actually did give me. It wasn’t about marriage but about life in general and it’s very good advice. The older I get the more I look inward to make decisions and count on my instinct and heart to guide me though the messiness of marriage and parenting.
I saw this quote in a re-tweet from Sarah Spain and it sums it up perfectly:
I could not have said it better myself.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the great mom’s out there and a very happy 10 year anniversary to my husband who waited one more year for me, who is not my best friend and, doesn’t care if I go to bed angry because I wake up every day living a dream we created together.
Key West 2006, just starting our adventures. I’m either drunk or high on love.
[Tweet “Do you take #marriage advice from your #mom? Bad #advice I was never given and 10 years of a great #marriage! #mothersday2016”]
What is the worst marriage advice you received from your mom?
What is the best?
What will you do to celebrate mom’s day?
Oh this is good! I honestly can not remember one piece of marriage advice my mom has given me over the years. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing? I have I even asked her? I absolutely agree that spouses should not be your only BFF. They are a BFF in a way but you nailed it – you can’t vent about your spouse to your spouse! And plus, you need to spend time away from each other too. Happy 10 year Anniversary! We celebrate 14 years in 2 weeks!
I’m thinking that is a very good thing! It’s probably best for moms to not give advice unless it’s asked for!!
Time away from each other is KEY!!
14 years? Holy wow!!!
Happy Mothers Day to you Allie! I really enjoyed this even being divorced. There is a lot of truth to it. I stayed pretty much isolated with my ex with no real BFF of my own. I missed having that kind of friendship. And yes, I have woken up mornings after a fight knowing 100% that I was right! LOL!
I’m so glad Kris. It takes a lot of courage to get a divorce and move on – good for you.
And, I’m sure you were absolutely RIGHT every time 🙂
Happy Mother’s Day!
Oh my goodness I’m going to steal that tip of just go to bed.
All too often I can flog that poor dead equine 🙂
Shoot the horse and get some sleep woman!! 🙂
Happy Mother’s Day !!!
This is awesome and Happy Mother’s Day to you my friend. I’ve only been married a year now but this was great advice for me too 🙂
I’m so glad!! Thanks Hollie 🙂
Great advice Allie. Especially the don’t go to bed angry. Complete nonsense and totally impractical.
Of course you agree because you are a strong, intelligent woman! Thanks Stephanie 🙂 Happy Mother’s Day!
Most of this post had me in tears! Moms and their advice are so precious! Thanks for the reminder to appreciate them! I’m giving my mom the biggest hug when I see her this weekend!
I love my mom, but one of the most twisted advise she ever gave me was “Lie to your husband if you have to, men don’t need to know everything!” Well, she is married to my father, so I know why she said that.
But the best advice, was “Your husband is your partner in life, you have to feel safe with him, trust him and know you can count on him”.
Happy Mother’s day to you!! I hope you have a fantastic day!
Aw, sorry for the tears but YES appreciate your mom every single day and big hugs all the time!!! What I wouldn’t give for that!
And, I can see your mom’s point in the lying – not about anything important but sometimes husbands do not need to know the whole truth…especially if it’s protecting their feelings.
But yes, that last piece is the very best! Trust and communication are the brick and mortar of marriage.
We’ve gone to bed angry plenty of times….. there are times when if we stay up to try to solve something, it will just spiral into more negativity and more held on to grudges from arguments past that are unrelated coming up…. go to bed angry and see how angry you still are in the morning….As far as marriage advice, my 17 year anniversary is May 22nd, and so a sneak peak of the post that I am thinking of writing would be that you can’t change someone else, you can only change yourself……. (I know you are now sitting on the edge of your seat until my post comes out, but try to contain yourself between now and then;) ….. Mother’s day coincides with my husband’s bday this year and that has created it’s own drama…let’s leave it at that!
We are kindred spirits my friend. I couldn’t agree more about the reasons why you should just go to bed. Usually we wake up loving each other again and more open to forgive and forget.
You jest but I AM sitting on the edge of my seat for your marriage post!OMG if I had only spent more time on myself and less time trying to change my husband I could have spent many years a lot happier.
The Mother’s Day/Birthday debacle is ugly. Good luck with that one…
SO COOL! I love reading a post like this from you. It helps me to get to know you better.
My mom is a religious fanatic, and still doesn’t really accept Andrew as my husband or our blended family as my family. It’s been almost 5 years that Andrew and I have been together and she still forgets my stepkids names, and barely sees Callum at all. It really sucks. But, she taught me a lot about love and marriage and commitment and tenacity, and a lot of other things that I use daily to live well. I’m thankful that she’s in my life, but I’m not exactly dying for a weekly visit or anything. LOL
Happy Mother’s Day and Anniversary to you two lovebirds!
When my husband and I first announced our engagement, my grandfather has asked if my husband was going to annul his first marriage. It’s insanity!
I’m sorry your mom cannot see how amazing blended families are (I have a 20 year old stepson) but, it sounds like you have your head on straight and you take it for what it’s worth. I hope YOU are celebrated for the great mom you are this mother’s day 🙂
Happy Mom’s day:)
So glad to hear a Mom (in today’s society) say that parents aren’t meant to be their children’s best friend. They are not little adults as the ‘politically correct, social warriors’ would brainwash society into thinking. That’s what leads children to sue their parents because they took away their iPhone, totally sick!
I pulled the plug on several women who wanted to marry me, not so much because of them; but because I knew I wasn’t ready for that lifestyle. My Mom hailed these decisions, she started this advice early in our lives in America, subtle hints in conversations here and there through the years, starting in Junior HS.
My best HS friend’s sister admitted (after her 9month marriage and divorce), that as she walked down the aisle, she said ‘what am I doing here?’. I never forgot this, I vowed never to be paralyzed by a relationship/marriage of convenience.
From my Catholic childhood in France (which I managed to survive), I would be irreversibly destroyed by divorce. I would have obligatory PTSD if children entered the equation. I’m so proud that you are celebrating 10 years of marriage, with 2 great twins, and your husband looks quite dapper! I’m glad to see he has his BFF (2 peas in a pod).
I would just replace the mimosa with a margarita, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
So great Claude and very brave and UNselfish of you to not enter into marriage when it’s not what you want with your whole heart and soul. It’s a huge commitment and takes tons of work so you have to be ALL IN!!
We had plenty of margaritas to celebrate our anniversary on Friday night too!! 🙂
Happy Mother’s Day and anniversary to you! I love your advice here – the take the commitment seriously one is so true and relevant to all marriages! My husband and I dated for three years that included grad school, jobs, moves across multiple states, and long distance because we wanted to make our marriage last. So many of our friends got married within a year of meeting their spouse – and not that such decision is wrong, but extra attention to nurturing a relationship before marriage is very sound advice I believe.
It would be even better if we could have “practice kids” before marriage since that was a HUGE test of our commitment!!! 🙂 Thank you Laura!
yet another incredibly thoughtful post, and one that caused me to ponder. again!
ya know, i really don’t have the kind of relationship with my mom where i ask her for advice about marriage, or have ever gotten marriage advice from her. she was 20 when she had me and not married, and didn’t get married till i was 11 or 12. the guy she married was a mute – not literally, but he didn’t talk to me much. before him she dated really loud men who were very expressive, so this whole stepfather thing was weird. anyhow.
growing up, we were more like sisters i suppose. my great-grandmother lived with us and was like a mother-figure to us both. but she also didn’t give marriage advice, in fact she never talked about her husband. very strange i suppose but ce la vie!
anyhow, it’s no wonder that i didn’t want to get married, at least not till i met my hubby. when i met him, we moved pretty fast. met and were engaged within 6 months. i guess that’s slow for some, but fast for others. i was 35 and knew myself finally, at least enough to know what sort of man i actually wanted to spend eternity with.
marriage advice… if i had to take something that my mom said as ‘marital advice’ i remember her telling me about her courtship, from my stepdad. she was newly out of a really bad relationship and decided that if this guy (my now stepdad) was serious, then he’d have to put up with some shit. she basically disagreed with every single thing he said and proposed, and made requirements like that he go disco dancing and cook her a meal. he was smitten, and she finally got a man that treated her like a queen. even though he was mute.
my lesson from that was don’t be afraid to be demanding, and don’t be afraid to order what you want at dinner. i guess it worked because i’ve always been outspoken and my hubby liked me for exactly who i was and am.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY ALI!!! AND HAPPY HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!
Thanks so much and knowing and ASKING for what you want in a relationship is excellent advice!! You know I’m very vocal about my wants and needs and my husband has always stepped up to the plate where that is concerned 🙂
The never go to bed angry one is such crap. What if I argue with him at 10pm? I’m supposed to stay up and work it out when I likely dead tired from the day? NO way. I hope you had a beautiful mother’s day and happy happy 10th anniversary to you two, in this world of casual divorces, this is something to be REALLY proud of because 10 is the new 30 lol.
Exactly!!! Plus, the more tired you become, the dirtier the fighting gets and you start brining up stuff that has nothing to do with the original argument. I know you totally understand and YES I seriously think making it to 10 years is huge! We have so many friends who have gotten divorced in the past 5 years, it’s scary!!!
We had a great celebration both for our anniversary and mother’s day and I know you did too 🙂 Loved those pics!!
I love this post so much Allie. So much truth in it. I can’t imagine what it was like to lose your mom at such a young age, but I love all the love and life she inspired in you. Great words for everyone to life by who are married. Hope the 11th year is even better than the first 10. xo
“live” by.
Thank you so much Jesica. I try to focus on all she DID give me but it’s a constant struggle. I know you are super close to your mom and you can understand the power of that relationship!
So far year 11 is looking amazing 🙂
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