I find myself wondering more and more these days, when will it ever be good enough? When will I feel satisfied and successful in my running, writing, parenting, marriage, friendship and life in general? It seems a never-ending quest for, not happiness exactly, but just being better – – better than yesterday, better than her, better than him, better than last time — where does it end? How do I control the ending or, is the never-ending-ness what makes me, and others like me, successful?
After I read an article on Women’s Running titled Why Giving 100% May Not Be Your Best Effort, I immediately downloaded the book written by the author of the article, Dr. Stan Beecham. A top level sports psychologist, Dr. Beecham gave me my first clue into why it may never be good enough, and what to do about it.
IN RACING
After I trained for and ran my very first marathon in 3:55, I wanted to qualify for Boston. A year later, I did (with 10 minutes to spare) finishing in 3:30.
After I ran Boston, I set my sights on half marathons. Once I was close to 1:30, I wanted to break 1:30. Once I did, I moved on to duathlons.
After racing duathlon for a spell, I qualified for the USAT nationals competition and then the World Championship, so I moved on to triathlons.
Last year I qualified for USAT nationals and, now my current goal is to qualify for the USATriathlon World Championship.
Qualifying for USATriathlon Nationals this past September.
I had some amazing races along the way and some fantastic failures too. I did things that were hard and scary and painful and accomplished big goals. What I didn’t do was take a lot of time to bask in the success of attaining those goals.
I quickly move from one big goal to the next, maybe taking a week or two for a really big accomplishment (like the Duathlon World Championship) to sink in and I’m back at it, hammering away at my next big goal.
I’m surrounded by people who do the same.
There are plenty of running bloggers I know who chase one big goal after another as I do. My husband is relentless in his pursuit of the next big client in order to grow his company, although it is already wildly successful, and I have several very accomplished, professional friends who continue to reach goal after goal, hardly stopping to notice as they blow by them.
When is it ever good enough?
IN WRITING
When I first starting blogging, I just wanted five comments. Then I wanted to have one piece of my writing published online, and then in print. Then I wanted to write for Runner’s World, and ESPN, and then so many publications I could turn it into a part-time job.
With each of those goals, I had this idea that I would have “made it,” if only ‘x’ happened. But, with each new accomplishment, I immediately wanted more. What’s worse, I start thinking it is never big enough or prominent enough or even that well written, just like with my training.
If I defined these thresholds as “successful” in my brain, where was the disconnect once I attained them? I didn’t slow down enough to answer the question, and pressed on toward the next goal.
Again, I know plenty of very successful people who think and act this same way. We are very good at telling each other to stop and enjoy what we have done, to really think about how we turned nothing into something. But do we take our own advice? Rarely.
Once upon a time, I thought this was my ultimate writing goal attained!
TURNING ‘BETTER’ INTO ‘BEST’
Although I am not done listening to Dr. Beecham’s book, my favorite chapter so far is the one titled Turning Better Into Best. It makes too much sense.
“…we have this grave concern that if we ever become happy with our current status, then we will somehow lose our edge and plummet into mediocrity.” – Dr. Stan Beecham, Elite MindsÂ
Well, I’m not that dramatic about it but, basically yes, that is what I think and it is reflected in my actions. It’s also all around me and constantly pounded into my subconscious.
We so often see the hashtag #betterthanyesterday and it may even be a tagline for a running shoe and clothing company. It’s definitely something you have seen and heard at the professional sports level and “beating yesterday” or “being better” is a constant sports mantra.
“Growth is a natural process and happens whether we desire it or not, but the belief that one needs to be better actually hinders this process. Our consistent criticism and failure to make peace with who we are now has very detrimental effects on both mind and body.” – Dr. Stan Beecham, Elite Minds
Think about it.
Dr. Beecham suggests we tell ourselves to do the best we can and that will be enough. Sometimes we truly cannot do better than yesterday but we can do our very best every single day. He also points out that you cannot simultaneously strive to do better and be your best, therefore you have to chose. When he puts it that way, it seems obvious.
TRY IT
Think about a time in your running and racing life or professional life when everything went perfectly. It doesn’t necessarily mean a win or more money or some big reward but, just when you felt you could not make a mistake if you tried, when all the stars were aligned and you felt strong and unstoppable.
Now think about what that felt like. Was it a struggle? Did you feel like you were fighting for every inch, mile, word or movement? Most likely, it was effortless. It flowed.
One of the very best duathlon races I ever had, I did not even know I was winning until the last half mile of the run. When I came though the first transition, my coach knew I was the first woman and simply said “have fun.” I did. I won a sword.
My boys, with the sword I won, in the Ten Penny Ale Duathlon in 2014.
Of course the race was hard but, I was in what any athlete would call “the zone.” My body felt strong, my mind was laser focused and it just flowed.
Was I thinking about winning? Obviously not since I was shocked when a race official on a bike rode up to me and said into his radio “I have the lead woman” with a half-mile to go. That is the point at which my mind and body freakedl! Before that, I was simply doing what I had been trained to do and, on that day, it was effortless.
I’m positive, when you think of your perfect moment, it does not involve trying to be better. You simply were at your best.
Answering the Question
So, to answer the question the title of this posts asks, no, it is never good enough. It’s not better than yesterday or last week or last year. It actually cannot be any of those if you’re doing your best every single day.
[Tweet “VITA asks “is it ever good enough?” and finds answers with @stanbeecham #train4life”]
I have no affiliation with Dr. Beecham or his book. He does not even know I exist. But, this is my advice – – if you want to become the best at whatever it is you do, buy this book and read it twice. I have been listening to it on my bike trainer and each chapter resonates with me more. I will be writing more about different topics from Elite Minds because I know you will find it as helpful and as interesting as I have!
Do you feel like it’s ever good enough?
What was your one perfect moment/day/race and what did it feel like?
I love this blog! Mike and I have talked about this endlessly. I am never satisfied with any level of accomplishment in any aspect of my life, and continuously “want more”. Now that I am a parent, I am torn between feeling like this isn’t always a “healthy” mentality (it doesn’t usually lend itself to just slowing down and being in the moment), but also truly believing that this mentality is what drives people in achieving great things that most others wont.
Its a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I have to stop and think about how thrilled I would have been 5 years ago, 10 years ago if I had had a crystal ball and could see where I am now, I would’ve been blown away, but that concept is never on the front of my mind on a daily basis!
Thank you so much Jess and YES I know you totally get it because we are all so similar when it comes to this! I think the key is to always be MOSTLY happy when pursuing goal after goal. My kids did a lot to balance out my life and I’m sure your son will do the same for you. That said, it’s definitely not a bad thing but, we should all celebrate the accomplishments a little more…like this Saturday 🙂
This is timely as I’m looking back at where I’ve been in a year (and even 5 years). I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished that much since I’ve still got so much more that I want to do in running and of course, life. Off to download that book. Once again, you raise me up Allie!
I loved your post today and I want to do one as well but i’m a little scared!!!
I hope you read the book – I would love to get your thoughts.
This is such a great post. I think most people want more success in whatever they are doing. Racing is a funny that you are always wanting to achieve more.
Yes it is and you know that all too well. I’m sure you will be able to fly soon 🙂
We are so conditioned here in America to always be striving for more more moremoremormomeomreorme. It is the “American Way.” Ironically, we are also striving for more vacation time and such. But we are so conditioned to always wanting to be the best. And that is great! But it is also dangerous. I used to be so caught up in that. I still am, to some degree. But there also comes a point when you have to take a step back and realize that you can’t be 100% at everything. And you need a rest day every once in a while. Both figuratively and literally.
So true and YES! I sold my personal training business when the boys were about two since I realized I could no longer give it and them 100%. And rest days are sometimes more important that speed work or long runs! I know you so get this…and still continue to be your best!!
It’s not easy being type A and driven, is it? This past weekend, I revealed to the ladies I was with that I am super competitive. They all laughed because, yep, they figured that one out. But that is also my downfall.I’ve worked really hard on trying to let go of such high expectations of myself. I don’t like feeling disappointed when I don’t meet my goals. This past weekend’s race was a perfect example. Yeah, I was disappointed but I had fun and that helps lessen the pain. The beer helped too!
At this point, I need to figure out what it is I want from running. This was a tough year for me. I guess I’ll see how I do at Grandmas in June.
It’s kind of a pain in the ass but it does have big rewards!
Isn’t it funny when you think you’re “revealing” something about yourself and everyone is all “duh!? we know!!”
I felt the way you do after Las Vegas, even though it wasn’t a goal race. The problem is that they are ALL goal races which is where the “best you are today” comes in!
I really think you should read this book before you start training for Grandma’s marathon…
Well, you basically just wrote down the entire conversation I have in my head every day, so thank you. I might just have to check out this book. I am terrified of backing off and then not making progress and I am convinced that if I’m not constantly pushing, I’m just going to slack off. it might be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I do feel like constantly pushing is what has made me successful. It’s scary to think about letting that go!
Oh I’m so glad! And actually, the funny thing is that there really is no backing off for people like us. Our “backing off” is everyone else’s normal so…
Totally scary to let the push go but, if you read the book, you will want to do it immediately.
This is a great thing to think about. I definitely find myself getting stuck in the cycle of feeling like I NEED to do more or NEED to do better. But with some inner work, slowly but surely I’m learning that while it’s great to strive to better myself, I am strong/smart/capable/good enough right now. I have to remind myself that A LOT though 😉
YES! Exactly that! Keep reminding yourself and soon enough it will stick.
Allie, this is so interesting! It’s still 8am here, and I’m not quite done my coffee so I’m not sure how this will come out but I’ll give it a try. If I’m honest with myself, my competitive nature drives me to always strive for more. BUT. I can honestly say, that I am content. That it’s completely possible to be at peace where I’m at, while wanting more. There has GOT to be a brainy quote out there for that concept. Dammit.
YES! Even in your caffeine deprived state you are so getting it…naturally. You can find that contentment because you are “being your best” everyday. Beecham repeats over and over that we are not machines, we are people and perfect rarely happens but our best can happen every single day because it’s constantly changing.
Hope you are on to your “special” coffee at this point 🙂
I think this is such an important and powerful topic. I believe that most people who choose to participate in endurance races tend to be high achievers, often type-A personalities. We are naturally inclined to strive to be our very best and reach our full potential. We often take the hard road, do the hard things to be our best.I think that can be a very good thing and a healthy thing to always strive to be our best selves, but not if we fail to see our accomplishments and successes because we are only focused on the next thing. Not being satisfied with the status quo is what creates awesome results, but it is incredibly unhealthy to chase and chase and chase without celebrating. I’ve personally found myself to become way more laid back with this on the running front in the past two years. Just focusing on being the best I can be each day as you say is all we can do. Thanks for raising this important conversation. I wrote a piece called Why is Great Never Good Enough? back in 2014: http://www.runladylike.com/2014/10/21/great-never-good-enough/. We all go through this.
Nailed it. And, of course you did because sometimes I think we share a brain.
I cannot wait to read your post!!
So I just went back and read your post from 2014 and I of course I now remember it and even commented on it at the time. Some things just don’t change 🙂
Um… wow… that’s a post!! I’m going to read the WR piece… I’m going to reread this post a few times… and when I have time, I’m going to reassess my life. Really really great here with a lot of food for thought…. and I am most definitely in a transitional phase when I need to really think about what is the reason behind some of what I do. Thank you!!
I am so glad this is perfect timing for you and that it’s resonating. Thank you, as always, for your constant support.
Are you reading my mind???? Your question is something I often pose to myself….quite a bit, actually. The struggle is real. :/
My “perfect” race moment was probably this past May. I PR’d my half-marathon by ~2 minutes. Honestly, the number on the clock was something I never thought was possible. My boyfriend asked me later “what was different?” My response was pretty simple “I do not know. My body just felt great.” (and I may have said something about being in the zone). BUT…now that I hit a “goal” which I thought was unattainable…I want more…I want a new PR.
Thank you for your post today. As you touched on, this is something many people feel. And it is definitely something that is interesting to think about and try to figure out the “why” behind it all.
Do you mind if I share this post with my women’s running group?
I am SO glad and congrats on a huge PR!!
I would absolutely love for you to share this with your running group 🙂
Thanks for the “okay” to share. Not sure if there is protocol in blog world for sharing, etc. As an FYI…the group is Fellow Flowers. You should check them out. It is amazing virtual network built around women building each other up and supporting one another.
This is so interesting! I have the personality type where best is never good enough, although over the years I’ve improved. I used to never be satisfied with achievement for the exact reason Beecham states – I thought it would lead to mediocrity. I still constantly beat myself up over not doing better on things I did objectively well on.
My perfect race moment was Sunday. I don’t know how that race happened but I focused on just finding that flow. And oddly, I’m satisfied for now. I want to run another marathon again and do it faster, but that will be in the future. I’m pretty darn happy right now.
I’m laughing because right after your wrote “My perfect moment was on Sunday…I’m satisfied for now,” you wrote “I want to run another marathon and do it faster!” LOL – yep, that’s exactly what happens but it’s a GOOD thing.
I seriously cannot wait to read your recap because it sounds like everything went perfectly because you trained to make it that way! Congratulations once again!!
oooh yes! This one hit me in the gut. I have long tried to push for more and more and more but then realized really as I hit my 30s that I have a pretty impressive resume, and yes while I do want more–its not the center focus of everything I do, but I do live every single day intentionally. LOVED this post!
Yes you do!! It’s important to keep it in mind while also moving ahead, right? I know you got this one!
Almost always. I’m good enough. Several years ago, the words of my son got my attention and a needed change.
Right after I ran a marathon, I mean right after walking from the finish line, I was already talking about my pace and the “I should have” or “if only I”…. My son looked at me and said, “mom, you just ran another marathon. Something most people in the world will never do and you think it wasn’t good enough. No matter what you do it’s never enough.” Stopped me in my steps.
With time and effort (and a whole lot of yoga and meditation) I changed my mindset and now, 98% of the time, heck yes, I’m good enough.
That is fantastic Jill!
Nailed it… this is what I’ve been reflecting on lately too and you put my thoughts into words much more eloquently than I could have. When I reflected on my year and what I needed to let go of, it was the idea that there was still going to be a 5k or half pr before 2016 ended, which is just silly. There is no difference in hitting that pr now or in the spring, really, other than my constant striving to be better and prove to myself now that I could. I love this perspective!
I’m glad you came to that realization, but I totally understand why you wanted it in 2016. Sometimes we forget that we impose these goals on ourselves and that we can be the ones to let them go as well. Plus, you have already accomplished so much this year!!! Overachiever.
Thanks Laura.
Love this!
So glad!
You’ve definitely hit a chord here Allie. Basically, this is the conversation I have with myself all the time – especially with the writing! If I’m doing what I love and want to be doing, why am I constantly dissatisfied or why do I constantly push for more? I know there’s a part of me that’s scared of what will happen if I stop pushing. I think there’s a part of me that thinks I’ll stagnate and shrivel up. But at the same time, I know that drive is what’s helped me get to where I am now. At the end of the year, I usually write a “Nailed it” list which is probably the only time that I consciously sit, acknowledge and celebrate the victories. I actually forgot about that list until I read your post. Now I have to go and write it!
OMG I love the idea of a “Nailed It” list!! That is fantastic and I really hope you write one this year.
And, I think we struggle with letting go of the freelance writing piece because so much of our work is based on “what have you done lately” or just keeping the relationships we have established going. UGH!!! #thestruggleisreal
You know, I am finding that as I get older, I am more accepting of “good enough.” That doesn’t mean I’m complacent, but it does mean that I’m comfortable with where I am and what I am accomplishing. When I’m not, I will change it up. Of course, I’m not racing competitively like you and most of your readers are, but I have some of the same perfectionist tendencies. 😉
Great piece, Allie – definitely food for thought!
I totally understand what you mean Dana and I think some of it has to do with just really loving who you are and being ok with that. One of the VERY best things about getting older is being secure and not caring about success defined by anyone but YOU.
Thanks for the comment 🙂
This hits so hard it almost hurts! In a good way. My best events were always when I was mainly having fun and in the zone. I felt relaxed yet focused. If that makes sense. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way and I’d love to get back there. I’m not in a rush and know soon I’ll have more time. Trying to enjoy these precious days now and remind myself that my baby is only a baby once but I can get into better shape anytime. Being there for her is critical in order to be my best me. Being my best encompasses every aspect of life. Knowing that I gave the family all my love helps me feel like my best. Taking care of myself is a very intricate system and involves not just taking care of myself but also my offspring. Sometimes I get energy from giving. Sometimes I get energy when I release physical energy. I’m rambling but I guess I’m just saying I love this concept of being your best. This concept has changed for me a lot lately.
The downfall of being Type A isn’t it? I’m totally guilty of this, however taking a solid year off from racing has definitely helped me in this department. You know I’m not competing against anyone but myself, but I definitely still want to push and push and achieve those goals. I don’t think I was this way before kids though. I think having kids has made me want to push more to show my kids that they can do hard things. And it also give me a sense of purpose when I feel like I don’t have one. Going from a full time worker to being home with my kids was a hard pill to swallow, despite HAVING a purpose, I feel like I’ve lost ME sometimes, so pushing to achieve makes me feel like I have a purpose. Doesn’t make sense because I know being a mom is having a purpose, but it’s about everyone else. Moms do everything for everyone else and often push their needs to the side. Ok, now I’m just rambling…you know what I mean 😉