I want to make it abundantly clear that I do not suffer.  I’m a SAHM.  I have the part-est of part-time jobs that consists of teaching three, one-hour fitness classes per week at two different gyms.  I have my Aunt, who I adore more then anything, swoop in and watch my kids ALL day on Wednesdays.  I have a husband who works his ass off so I don’t have to.  What I do have are 4 year-old twin boys who are hell bent on making sure I know what true suffering is.

I can hear my mom saying "Can you sit still for one minute?"

I can hear my mom saying “Can you sit still for one minute?”

Now before everyone gets all excited and crazy with the “you have your health” shit, I’m very grateful they are healthy.  I’m grateful that I’m healthy.  I cannot imagine what I would do if my kids, husband or immediate family was sick or had any real serious issues.  I’ve already been through the painful, awful, horrible death of my mom from cancer when I was 17 and I honestly don’t think I can live through anything even close to that again.  So, I do know what it means to suffer in the real sense…however, I feel like I’m living on the edge these days with the boys behavior.

Boys will be boys?  I think this may be the biggest line of bullshit this side of  “because they’re twins they have a built in playmate.”  I have seen other boys who do not fist fight each other at Target.  I have seen other boys who do not yell “You’re a poop head!” to their moms at the grocery store while furiously pointing a finger directly at you just so there’s no misunderstanding just exactly who the poop head is.  My boys, on the other hand, do this and so much more.

Just jumping off the couch onto my brother.  No biggie.

Just jumping off the couch onto my brother. No biggie.

Organized sports? Let’s just go down with this one, shall we?  Soccer –  Hated it, didn’t really participate and wrestled with each other almost the entire time.  Karate –  Sort of liked it for a while.  Vaughn peed on the floor during one class because he was too afraid to ask to go to the bathroom.  Their last karate class ended with all of us in the bathroom while both of them cried and begged me to let them quit.  Swim lessons –  Some days are better then others but let’s just say the lifeguards know who we are and their swim teacher is a saint.  Gymnastics – The reward for being a good listener is stamps.  I don’t think they have both gotten stamps in the same day.  Ever.  We’ve been doing gymnastics since they were 2 because it’s the only thing they remotely enjoy.

Do we really have to be here?

It’s much more fun to just wear these outfits and play with our toys.

Stores and other Public Places:  Is it normal to say prayers before you enter a checkout line?  For whatever reason (maybe it’s because they know I have to pay for stuff before we can leave and therefore I’m like a trapped animal) they go ballistic in the checkout line.  Sometimes I just close my eyes and take deep breaths like I’m in shavanasa right at that moment.  Shavanasa means “corpse pose” in yoga speak, right?  Yep, that’s what I’m going for.

Granted, they’re four.  There’s two of them.  They have a sibling their exact age with them at all times.  A lot of nights they even sleep in the same bed together!  They are extremely close and there are so, so many times I savor and treasure with them.  They can also be an overwhelming force.  Somewhere my mom is laughing her ass off because I was a rather *ahem* difficult child and she cursed swore that one day I would know what it was like.  Guess what?

Despite all the drama and fighting and tantruming (is that a word?) I keep in mind that someday very soon they will be separated at school.  The “you’re a poop head” may be replaced with “I hate you” and my heart will break wide open.  They will eventually find an activity they like and they will devour it with all the fierce competition me and my husband have for sports.  Someday soon I’ll become “the driver” and will only see my husband on Tuesdays for 7 minutes because I’m sure they will fall in love with completely different activities.  Someday I hope I will never even have to go to Target because I’ll have the freedom to visit as many different stores in a day as I need to without unbuckling car seats 37 hundred times.  I’ll probably just drive to the Target parking lot and cry my eyes out because I don’t have my babies with me anymore.  Someday.


It’s hard to keep perspective on the days when my patience is tested most.  Today I’m going to stop thinking about “someday” and settle into the moment, into the now because you never know what tomorrow will bring…

Actually, I’m pretty sure it will bring more fighting and crying and craziness but someday I’ll miss it.


How do you feel about your kids right now?  If you don’t have any, what do you imagine it will be like when you do?  SAHM or working mom?