My 20 year high school reunion was off the charts amazing! I was surprised to see so many people I hadn’t in years. The food was a spread fit for even the pickiest eaters with something for everyone and the DJ had us dancing until they turned on the lights and made us leave. It was although time had never passed and I didn’t want the night to end.
…and then I got a smacked in the face with the cold, hard hand of reality. None of that happened. It was the opposite of that and I have to say, I’m disappointed. For some reason I thought it was going to be really amazing…and parts of it were, but most of it was just not what I expected. I also did not expect to be so proud of myself.
Does this picture make my hair look big?
I was kind of a moron in high school. Ok, I was a huge idiot. I know most of us can look back and say there’s things we’re not proud of or realize how much we’ve changed, but when I look back on who I was 20 years ago, I usually look back with some disgust and even shame.
I was mean to people, I had a massive attitude, I was kicked off the dance team, I spent quite a bit of time in the principal’s office, I was suspended in school (twice I think but maybe it was just once?), and I dated a guy who treated me like shit – for four years. I drank, I smoked cigarettes when I drank, and really just had this sense of doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted even though my parents were trying desperately to raise me right. Sometimes they succeeded but, in my memory, often they did not. Oh, and did I mention that my mom was dying of cancer the entire four years I spent there, culminating in her death four months before graduation? Yep. That also happened. To say high school was difficult for me would be a massive understatement.
You may wonder why I even wanted to go to my 20th reunion. The answer is that I thought it would be really FUN because I have changed so much and, of course, so has everyone else. Reunions aren’t what they used to be now that we have Facebook. I could pretty much scan the room and know which classmate professed their undying love to their partner on a daily basis, posted 357 thousand pictures of their dogs/cats/birds/ferrets, how many kids they have, if they’re into selfies and weather or not they do Crossfit. But it was those who are off the grid that I was most interested in seeing. Who are these people who don’t “check-in” or tweet or are seemingly unconnected to the digital age? There were some great surprises and friendly faces I hadn’t seen in years but the biggest surprise was meeting myself.
What did I do most of the night? Hang with one of my besties who I’ve seen almost everyday since graduation. Duh.
There was a video loop on a big screen TV running footage from our senior prom, graduation and the graduation after-party which was held at the same gym I would be fired from years later. #weird
I didn’t attend the senior prom. It wasn’t from anything I did (shockingly) rather it was my boyfriend of four years who was not “invited” to attend. He had been in some fight at a party off campus or Lord knows what a few weeks before the prom, the police were called and then they called the school. His punishment was that he was banned from the senior prom. As I noted earlier, I was a moron, and therefore refused to attend without him. I’m pretty sure if the tables were turned, not only would he have gone without me, but probably would have taken my best friend as his date. He was thoughtful like that.
Me and my Mr. Sunshine not at the senior prom. Maybe the sophomore ring dance?
As I watched the video of the graduation after-party, I saw myself standing next to him and my two best friends in the whole world at that time. The volume was muted so I couldn’t hear what was being said but I was taken back by my younger self. My husband saw something too. I couldn’t believe I was staring at this girl who had just lost her mother four months prior. Someone who had been suffering, watching her suffer, for years prior to that. I always thought of myself during that time as weak, as broken, but what I saw was the opposite of that.
There was another clip from football season that same year. Me in my dance team outfit, flanked on each side by my parents. It was hard to look at. Another classmate, who I hadn’t seen in years, saw what I did at the same time and instinctually hugged me. I realized the life I once had, long forgotten. I once was just a kid with parents. Now, as parent myself, I can see what I couldn’t see before. I didn’t see a girl broken, I saw a strong girl fighting to become a woman. A high schooler struggling with problems beyond what she could comprehend, was ill equipped to deal with, and instead did whatever she could to escape them. I’m no longer ashamed but proud. I‘m in awe of that girl and what she overcame and being suspended from school seems like the least of what I could have done.
In the years since that graduation day, I turned from not being too interested in school to graduating with honors from Boston University. I went from being afraid, to moving to Los Angeles by myself and working an internship at CBS for an entire summer when I was 20 years old. After graduation, I moved to L.A. again, by myself. Three years later, I missed my family so much that I moved back to the east coast, met a wonderful, successful man and married him on a beach in Key West. I opened my own fitness business and ran it successfully for five years until I became pregnant with twins and carried them to 37 healthy weeks. And finally, slowly along the way, I turned that non-caring drinker/smoker into a determined athlete. It seems like a hell of a lot longer then 20 years ago when I was that girl on the TV screen and it was time to give her a break.
The rest of the night was pretty mundane which may have given me the space to look inward. Don’t get me wrong though, it wasn’t without the token drunk girl and someone managed to spill wine on my white pants. Could’ve been me. I know – who hell wears white pants to a party with red wine?
When we got bored we started taking “make a cheese face like Vaughn” pictures. Maybe I’m exaggerating a tad.
I also found out that all of my former classmates either live in Ellington, CT, New Jersey or DC. That’s it. The number one thing people said to me was “Every time I see your posts on FB I feel like I should be working out.” Was that code for “Can you please stop posting all your running and working out crap on FB because it makes me hate you.” Perhaps.
The most dramatic thing happened when we left the party. My husband was pulled over for speeding like a maniac on the highway en route to our home. I guess I’m still with the boy who wouldn’t be “invited” to prom. Some things don’t change. What can I say?
Have you ever been to a high school reunion? Why? Why not? Was it fun or lamer then actually being in high school?
What a great post! I have my 15 year reunion in 2016 and I hope to go (I missed the 10 year). It’s amazing what looking back can do for you. The things we wish we could’ve known then- like which color shirt you wear the first day of school doesn’t really matter, or the fact that the snobby popular girl made fun of you doesn’t really matter.
It’ll be interesting to see how we handle this as our kids venture through these years! if only we could make them see into the future that it doesn’t really matter!
Honestly! That is really the biggest thing but, when you’re *in it* like so many things, you can’t see the forrest for the trees. Thanks Emma!
This is such a fabulous post, Allie! What I really love is that you can look back now and give your younger self a break. You’ve come so far, conquered so many challenges and losses and heartbreaks to become the amazing wife, mother, and woman you are today. And the make a cheese photo? Priceless!!
Thanks Nicole. I was not expecting to feel like that but I was so glad I went and had this mini-revelation.
Love that kid and his “cheesy” smile 🙂
What a great journey, Allie! I agree that you should be proud of yourself. It’s easy to look back and cringe at our young behavior but you’re right–we make mistakes in our youth, sometimes b/c we’re in over our heads. I think you’ve done an amazing job.
And love that you’re still with the “bad boy.” : )
Thank you! I just hope I can pass this on to my boys.
Bad boy for life – yep!! Ha ha 🙂
Amazing post. What a gift the reunion was…we almost never get those chances or gifts of perspective. Thank you for sharing it here…again another beautofully written piece.
Thanks Shannon. You’re so right! I never expected this and it really is a gift. Not that I have a hard time letting go of things… HA!
We moved in high school and I never felt quite as connected with the kids who had been there forever. I do keep in touch with a few people but I’ve never been to a reunion and honestly I have no desire to. Plus it’s not like I could pair it with a visit to family, since my parents have moved a couple times since then as well. I would rather go to a reunion for my college cross country and track team because we keep in touch with a lot of people from there, but don’t often see them since we live on the other side of the country. They have had one or two of those that we couldn’t attend, but I think we will plan to attend one at some point.
Sounds like all you need is someone to plan that Michelle! You can whip it up in your spare time, right? I really hope you get the opportunity to do it. It’s good to reflect.
I found myself reading this post almost holding my breath, because it was so raw and honest. I cannot imagine the difficulty of high school just on its very own then being mixed up with watching your mother die from cancer. I wish I could hug that girl back then and tell her that she is stronger than she knows. I am so happy you came to that moment on your own. This is an incredible post and one I will be thinking about all day.-Ashley
Ashley, from the bottom of my heart thank you for this. I held my own breath as I pushed the “publish” button. As I was writing it, I wasn’t sure I was going to share it, but now I’m really glad I did.
I want to hug that girl too and tell her she will be ok. This is my verbal hug!
I think it’s incredible that you managed to look inward, and really see the girl you’ve always been. Not many people can do that.
Good on you for going to the reunion. You’re inspiring!
I truly did not think I would ever feel like this about my high school self. Being a mom has a lot to do with it I think. Plus, I hold onto enough. It’s time to let this go. Thanks Alison!
Wow, this is a side I have yet to see from you. I didn’t know that you did all that. I kind of was that same reckless moron in high school too. You emerged from it a way better person and you should be proud. Keep posting stuff on FB because it inspires. The haters can just tune it out because they don’t matter. Oh, and BTW, where did the hair go???
It’s a different side for sure!
Don’t worry, I will keep posting. The good outweighs the bad and to the haters I say “Go ahead and unfollow!” As for the hair – I couldn’t keep up with that wild mess! The best thing I ever did was cut it all off.
Thanks Kris!!
Man, I can’t imagine going through that during high school, as if the teenage years aren’t hard enough. I was the complete opposite in high school–uber shy, wouldn’t dream of doing anything that could possibly get me into trouble because I was a huge goody two-shoes. I had great friends who I was really close and open to, but I think being so shy made me miss out on things. I went to my 10-year reunion a couple years ago, and it was amazing to me how friendly everyone was, even the people I barely talked to.
That’s so funny! It’s really amazing what different adults we become.
Everyone was really nice at my reunion too. I was surprised that I didn’t have to look at as many name tags as I thought and I had some great conversations.
Thanks Bev!
I love this post Allie! I am so sorry that you had to go through the loss of your mother during that time. I can imagine that losing a parent is a void that can never be filled. I am, on the other hand, happy that you have come such a long way! I am glad that you had fun at your reunion (even though it was boring), and I totally agre that FB has made events like these…not as fun as they could be! LOL!
Thank you so much Britt! It will definitely never be filled but it changes over time.
It’s interesting to think what the reunion would have been like without all the FB catch-up. Hmmmmm
My ten year is next year – yikes. It doesn’t feel like it’s been that long but then again a lifetime ago. It’s so weird because, like you, there’s so much that I’m ashamed of, but I want everyone to see how I’ve changed. I’m not the slut-who-acts-like-she’s-not-a-slut who drinks to blacking out on weekends and is a good-two-shoes during the week. I’m a Jesus lover who’s happily married and raising two awesome boys. How do you show that in a weekend or even a night??
You probably can’t but it doesn’t matter. As long as YOU know and the people around you do, that’s really all you need. I would definitely go to the reunion. You may be surprised, like I was!
Yes my ten year was lame! It was just a cookout because people complained they didn’t want to pay for the entire weekend and YES, I spent the day hulled up with my “clique” and that’s it.
You were so pretty with that long hair way back when. We all dated bad boys, that’s what high school is all about. Sad, if we end up marrying them. Good for you for finding a good one. While I was reading your post, I felt like your high school years were like Hollywood movie worthy. I was kinda shocked. You have changed so much. Kudos to you Allie. You are something of a role model for sure these days!
Ha ha!!! I love it Joi – I love your honesty and that you just tell it like it is. So true!!
Thanks for your comments. I appreciate ALL your words!
I love this. I have my 20th HS reunion coming up this summer and I’ve been debating whether or not to go. I went to our 5th reunion but haven’t been back since. HS feels like such a long time ago yet it doesn’t, if that makes sense. I too love that you were able to look inward and discover yourself.
Thanks Christine! I also went to my 5 year and then this one so it was pretty bizarre. I’m absolutely glad I went but not for the reasons I thought I would be. You should go! You never know what may happen…
Sounds like your reunion was quite the eye-opener for you. Since I only “met” you a few months ago, it’s hard to imagine teen Allie as you describe her. I had more fun than I thought I would at my 20th reunion, but I’m not sure if I’m going to go to my 25th next year. I had my fill of small talk at the last one, and my husband would rather poke his eyes out than go to another reunion with me!
Teen Allie was a partier with a big attitude! I have mellowed, to say the least. The reunion was not what my husband expected either and I think we’re both done with them!! I’ve had enough inward reflection and he’s had enough boredom – 🙂
Thanks Dana!
I didn’t go to my ten year reunion. I was four months pregnant, it was a four hour drive away, and I was dreading seeing the people I didn’t like back then. Specifically, my old arch nemesis, Melanie.
You see where this is going, right? Well no, you couldn’t.
We’re now close friends. Who knew?!
So yes, I will go to my 20 year reunion. And I will hug Melanie and everyone will be all…”Whaaat?”
Actually, hopefully, no one will even care.
I love it! If mine was a four hour drive I probably wouldn’t have gone either and definitely not if I were pregnant. Say hi to Melanie for me 🙂
I think it’s really amazing how your reunion made you see who you really where. I can’t picture you as a rebel smoking and drinking! I think it’s amazing how much you have done and overcome since that time. You definitely should be proud of yourself!
Personally, I didn’t think my reunion was all that. I see my core group of friends periodically (they all live in Mass and I’m in NYC so not as much as I like!) and they are the ones I really care about. It’s nice to see what other people are doing but honestly, I just don’t really care that much. I find as I get older I just want to invest my time in people I care about and who care about me!
It’s really so true! I was pleasently surprised to see a few people who I genuinely missed and am not connected to on FB. If it hadn’t been held 30 minutes away from where I live, I’m pretty sure I would have skipped it. Of course, I’m glad I didn’t!! Thanks Britt. Great perspective.
You should feel proud of yourself!!! I’m proud of you and I didn’t even know you i high school -I just think that you are awesome in every way – wife, mom, athlete, blogger…..
No – I haven’t been back to any reunions – high school wasn’t my favorite. If I hadn’t started running and done CC and track it would have been really awful.
Is high school anyone’s favorite? Probably not! Thanks, as always, for all your encouragement and support Kim!!
I bet you were a pistol in high school! I think Facebook has ruined my desire to go to a high school reunion. Between Facebook and IG, we’ve been reunited several times over. 2011 marked my 10 year HS reunion and I skipped it. If I were still living in San Francisco I MAY have gone, but I’m not sure about that. Glad you had fun though! You look so small and cute in your HS pics! Lol.
Oh I was that and then some! FB is definitely a reunion ruiner. I don’t blame you for not going to your 10 – I skipped that one too.
I wasn’t going to go to my 10-year reunion but then my best friend made me and I ended up in drunken tears. I will very likely not be going to my 20-year reunion. So surprised you were a wild child!
That’s awful! I’m sorry Kate. I think that’s what a lot of people fear and therefore just stay away. I don’t blame you for not wanting to go to your 20. I’m not planning on hitting up the 25 🙂
I think it’s time for me to stop posting pictures oft kids and not discuss Crossfit anymore 🙂
Ha Ha!! Absolutely NOT! I love your Crossfit posts – they are super motivating 🙂 …and I post plenty of kid pics myself.
What a great story! You almost make me want to go to one of mine. But I do not talk to the people I went to HS. Except one and she doesn’t go to that stuff either. The people who changed for the better did not know me and the ones who have not changed at all are the ones I hung out with. Mmmm….yeah.
Um, yep. I get it. I pretty much have stayed in touch with the ones I want to anyway. I will not be going to the 25th!
I’ve been to my 10 year reunion (we didn’t have a 5 year one) and I’m planning to go to my 15. I see most of the people on facebook, just like you do. We haven’t had a slide show or anything yet but it would be interesting for me to analyze my high school self the way you did. I loved the “real” behind this post. Your growth into your real self was a great journey, and I was happy to read along.
Thank you for saying that. I definitely appreciate it as it was a hard one to post. I hope you have a chance to see your high school self at the 15!
I am in tears from reading this. I love that you met yourself at the reunion – and I love that it allowed you to look back with perspective and see that strong girl – who at the time – maybe have felt broken – but who still fought the fight. You’re a force, Allie, in every good way possible. xo
Thank you so much Ilene. Truly. I really appreciate your words and take them to heart. Obviously this was a tough post to write and share, but I’m so glad I did. Thank you!
I skipped my 10 year and have my 20 in almost 2 years. I’m not sure I’m going. My parents don’t live there anymore and I barely have any contact (except on FB) with any of my HS friends. It’s not that anything happened, it’s just that we lost touch. Like you said, I don’t really feel the need to go just because I’ve seen almost everyone on FB. I was the drinker/smoker girl back then who was shy and easily controlled. It would be fun to go back just to show the new me. Glad you still are with a bad boy! 😉
Thanks for your honesty Angela! I can totally relate, of course. I think if my reunion hadn’t been 30 minutes from my house, I probably wouldn’t have gone but then I would have missed out on my discovery. I guess everything happens for a reason. Who know how you will feel 2 years from now…whatever happens, I’m sure you will make the right decision!
I’m glad I’m still with the bad boy too! I wouldn’t want it any other way – ha ha!
I’m so glad you went to that reunion. It seems you met exactly who you had gone there to meet; you.
You know, you really have a knack for putting things just the right way. This is at least the second time you have captured an essence of my post in one sentence. You’re pretty awesome like that! Thanks Karen 🙂
What a touching post! You actually made me tear up a little. It’s amazing how young people cope with extreme circumstances. I’m glad you were able to see yourself and recognize that you were in fact a tough young lady who did what she had to do to survive mentally. You should be proud of yourself and that young girl.
Thanks so much for saying that Kennie! I’m so glad to have had this experience and, after some thought, sharing it with all of you. I really appreciate your words. Thank you!
Allie- I read all your posts and love them. I rarely sit down to reply but wanted you to know this was a special post because you have really come full circle in your life . It’s very fulfilling when you finally realize who you are and what you are about and what is really important to you in your life. We all did really stupid things in high school (and college) because we were young, immature, trying to fit in and we just didn’t know who we were then. It was such a hard time for any teenager and for you to be dealing with the loss of your mom at that time had to have been really difficult. I am sure it was emotional for you to bring that all back in your post and to deal with all those feelings. I am so proud of you and I am sure mom is looking down and is also very proud of the amazing woman you have become.
Denise, I just want to give you the biggest hug when we meet up for our run! I cannot express to you enough, with mere words, how much it means to me that you took the time to write this AND what you’ve said. I hold your friendship and opinion in the highest regard and you have known me for a long time so I am absolutely taking this to heart! From the bottom of that heart – THANK YOU.
I don’t think I’d be too comfortable at a high school reunion. It wouldn’t be miserable or anything but I’m not as outgoing so I couldn’t just march up to people and start conversing.
You may be surprised. Everyone was REALLY nice, friendly and so easy to talk to. Even some of the people I didn’t really talk to in high school, I had great conversation with. It’s such a different scene to go from 16 to 38, ya know? I’m not saying you should go but the small talk was a lot better then expected!
Your ability to write a plethora of emotions stuns me. Your self insight and willingness to communicate difficult feelings is also extremely admirable, Allie.
I actually had a fabulous time at my HS reunion and wound up spending some time with someone who used to be a very close friend who wound up “breaking up with me” because I was too serious – she went on to hang with the exceptionally popular crowd). Reunions can smack us in the face in an odd way.
I’m so glad that you found a way to give some love to your younger self and appreciate her for what she was and the fact that she’s a part of who you are today – a strong, loving, smart and brave mother, wife and kick-ass athlete! Thank you for sharing another wonderful piece of you.
Thank you so much for writing this Melissa! It was an incredibly difficult post for me to write and certainly not the one I had expected would be about my reunion. I’m so glad I did and that I shared it because I have received so much loving feedback (both here and privately) that I know I did the right thing. Thank you for reinforcing that because you know how scary that “publish” button can be!
I’m so glad you had a good experience at your reunion. From what I’ve seen here, they are hard to come by! High school is not an easy time for anyone and maybe, at the reunion, everyone has had a chance to gain some perspective. I just wish we could pass that to our kids!
Again, thank you so much for writing this. Your words mean a lot to me – but you already knew that!
I was all teary halfway through. I love your honesty here. I tend to dwell on the past and still cringe over things that happened over 20 years ago. As someone else here wrote – you are a force, your willingness to share is powerful and I’m thankful to have read this!
Thank you so much Stephanie! I really appreciate it since I was apprehensive about sharing this post. I’m comforted to know that you cringe as well when looking back and share my dwelling capacity. It’s a great feeling to just “get over it!” Thanks again.
Man Allie, what an amazing post. I felt everything you were feeling. I can only imagine how hard it was for you to see yourself with your parents in that video. Thank goodness for friends who are aware enough to be there for you. Seeing yourself back then and how far you have come, I am proud of you!! Look at all the people you are inspiring on FB 🙂
My school is SO wack i doubt we will have a reunion but I love reading about others! I would be curious though because I am still really close with a lot of people but a lot of folks “fell off the radar” like you said and stay far away from social media.
Thanks so much Nellie. The girl who hugged me was one of my best friends in high school (we had a huge celebration party for our sweet 16!) and she just recently moved back into the area. It’s so great to reconnect with old friends like that because they have a sense of how far you have come. I also tend to cling to friends who knew my mom because there are only a few.
I’m happy to know you are still so close with a lot of your high school friends. Sounds like you don’t really need a reunion! 🙂 But, yeah, who are those people not involved in social media??
I love this post. As I read about the way you described yourself/behavior in the beginning, I was thinking poor kid…she must be hurting…once I read that your mom had cancer, it made sense. But then again, I’m reading as a mother. I wanted to give your younger self a hug. You are the epitome of a lemonade maker with the lemons life gave you.
I went to my 10 year reunion only because I was one of the main planners. It was so much work that I didn’t care if I ever went to another reunion. Although, I regretted not going after one of my classmates who planned our 20 year reunion died shortly after. But in the advent of FB it kinda takes away from the excitement and mystery of the reunion
Thanks so much Hope! I hope someday I can get that hug 🙂 It’s funny what the “mom” perspective does.
I can’t even imagine trying to plan a reunion – good for you!! I don’t blame you for not wanting to go to another. And yes, FB is the killer of all reunions.
I think I have said this once or twice before, but girl, you can write!! Love this post. Love your honesty. Love how you have been able to have perspective and love what you have accomplished in 20 years. Now, you will need to remember that when your boys go through their teenage years – that they too will turn out to be strong, amazing men, just like their mama did!!!
You just made my day Leah! Thank you so much.
I absolutely know what’s coming with my boys. My son Miles is a mini-me in every possible way. That poor kid is going to have some hard times ahead. At least I feel better equipped to help him. We shall see…
This post really hit home with me, Allie. I had my 20 year reunion 3 years ago. I was a selfish, little brat in high school. In order to prove to everyone and mostly myself that I had evolved, I jumped at the chance to be on the reunion committee. You are so right about how facebook had an impact on the reunion. It allowed us to track down people to communicate details, but I did have those fb thoughts going through my head when I saw many of them.
I enjoyed the Friday night mixer we did more than the Saturday night event. It was such a relief to mix and mingle that Friday with cocktails and your guard down. A lot of people didn’t recognize me initially because my hair was cut really short. In high school my hair was long and thick–identical to yours in the ring dance pic. I even had a prom dress with that same neckline! I learned that weekend that you cannot redo the past no matter how hard you try.
Thanks for sharing this on Traffic Jam Weekend!
Thank you so much for sharing this with me! I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who felt this way. Good for you for joining the committee – that is true dedication. Sounds like you had a good time and overcame any “history” you may have had.
I was happy to join the “traffic jam” and had the chance to read some new bloggers, which is always fun! Thanks again…
I found this post googling highschool reunions for the novel I’m writing. I was an idiot in high school too and also going through more than a kid should have to. I’m also someone way too hard on my former self. This really made me smile.
Thank you so much for commenting! I love that you can relate, although I’m sorry you had a similar experience – if that makes sense? Good luck with the book!