It has happened before and, I’m sure it will happen again. After I write, my words go out into the world and onto social media to be judged. I’ve been comment slammed over a few of my articles but nothing compared to the ignorance and hate that was cyber-spewed at me for the article I wrote for Women’s Running this past week.
The topic was dealing with an unsupportive partner when it comes to running and racing.
When I pitched the idea to my editor, she very enthusiastically encouraged me to write it and asked if I could be candid. If not, she wanted me to seek someone out who would be since we agreed this was one of those topics no one talks about but, a lot of people deal with.
I had no problem being open and honest as I view this as something that is behind me. I have exercised (get it?) all my demons and, as the title clearly states, have made peace with how my husband and I deal with my racing life.
Perhaps because of how comfortable I was writing about it, I was caught way off guard by the grossly negative comments on the Women’s Running Facebook page.
I couldn’t understand where the viciousness was coming from since (for once) I wasn’t being overly opinionated, I wasn’t attacking any group of runners (ahem…Disney) nor was I talking about a hotly debated issue (the election) so seriously, WTF people?
From my point of view the article was about how, although my husband doesn’t support my racing in the way I want him to, I have come to accept it and even enjoy it over the years.
I explain in detail about marriage being hard work, that it’s a two-way street and that communication is key. I wrote about how I genuinely enjoy my kids not being at a finish line sometimes so I can relax and have a beer with my friends, and how there’s no battles in my house who gets to run first on the weekends.
None of that mattered because people are stupid. I’m talking really, outrageously ignorant and mean.
Obviously, I stopped reading the comments and instead, starting focusing on all the good, because there was plenty!
So many women reached out to me via Twitter, Facebook and Instagram to show their support, to encourage me and to say “thank you” and “I thought I was the only one.” There were countless outpourings of connectedness and genuine appreciation which made it all worth it.
Those are the people I wrote the article for and I would do it again.
And oh, by the way, it’s the number one read article on Women’s Running right now. Go figure.
I want to be very clear about why I’m writing this post.
It’s not to refute the haters or to offer an explanation.
I’m choosing to write this because I don’t think it paints a fair picture of my husband. He did not opt into this insane world of social media and, therefore isn’t accustomed to being called a “prick” by some stranger online.
I, on the other hand, have been called far worse but I accept that it comes with the privilege of my words being  published. And yes, it is a privilege. I can handle the hate but, it’s not fair to my husband.
I never dreamed anyone would read the words I wrote in that article and see anything other than something helpful or relatable. I wrote about our relationship as it relates to running, and only running, since it’s a running publication.
But, running is hardly my entire life, especially when it comes to my family.
Oh look I’m doing something other than running and racing with my family. *it took me 45 minutes to find an appropriate photo
What I didn’t write about, because I saw no need, was how many other things my husband does to support me in every other facet of my life. I’ve talked about it 1,000 times over in this space where people are intelligent, good intentioned and fair.
Running and racing is what I do but is not who I am. It’s a big part of my life but, in the grand scheme of things, it’s very small when it comes to our family, and that is definitely how my husband sees it.
As for the haters? They can keep doing what they’re doing, and so will I.
[Tweet “How to handle the #haters online and keep doing what you’re doing! #hatersgonnahate”]
Have you ever been the target of online hate? How about offline? How do you handle it?
I could not be more on board with this article. This could be me writing this… or would be if I could write. I sincerely thought I was the only one who’s family/husband not only doesn’t care, but has true disdain for the racing. So much so, in fact, that I have stopped racing, sadly. Thanks for addressing this.
I’m so sorry to hear that it got to that point! Thank you for speaking YOUR truth here and at least knowing you are not alone!
Wow!! I’m not sure where the outrage is? I mean I totally get this article. Most days my husband doesn’t even know *where* I’m running much less actually having the brain power to show up and cheer me on during a race. After the marathon last year when I thought I was near death I had to find him with the kids…it was so pointless. But the trolling on social media continues. Just know we support you and know you have an amazing man by your side!
Oh yes. Commenters are notoriously insane. I once had someone tell me that my son was going to grow up to be a serial killer because he had such a bitch for a mother. Been called every name in the book — so I totally understand! Just keep being real though … there is enough fake in this world, and you are awesome! xo
Oh I know you completely and totally get it Mary!! That comment about your son is off the charts insane! WTH is wrong with people? Thank you so much for ALWAYS supporting me!
Allie, when I saw your article posted on Runners World yesterday my only thought was a smile. I happily clicked on the link when I saw your picture not realizing Runners World posted this and not from your blog. When I saw all the horrific, mean and hateful comments I was in tears for myself and you. So many people judge and never truly know how brave you were to write about this topic personally relating to yourself. Let alone, your husband is supportive and loving for the simple fact wherever you are he is there in someway with you or your children. That’s what’s important. In my opinion, your running journey and athleticism is pure dedication and commitment. You work so very hard to manage both family, training, races etc. and you have your husband and family by your side every step of the way no matter. I was saddened to see the ignorant comments and I cried, because I am able to relate in a similar way and never quite understand why people make mean comments and fail to actually have an open mind or be understanding. I will share with you my personal experience with a hurtful comment that empowered me to stand by my cause. I actually had a boss (dentist) make a comment over a patient about me having no life besides running. If anyone knows me personally knows I am quiet and especially at a dental office patients are my main focus – not me. But, this dentist would always bring up me because I’d come to work after my morning run and I was happy. Everyday I would not react to the dentist’s comments and I’d smile knowing my purpose behind running. BUT one day this dentist read a morning motivational quote wrong and laughed, followed by “I’m a retard” and everyone laughed except me; he looked at me and said “oh is that politically incorrect, Tiffany.” At that moment I had to speak up for myself and my purpose behind running. Not because I needed validation or anything, but simply because I feel so strongly about his ignorant comment. Doc had no idea I ran in honor of my buddy with Down Syndrome and that I promoted love, acceptance and DSA by dedicating the miles I run to show my support. I was also involved with a worldwide petition: never say the “R” word. So, my response to the dentist initially was a stern eye stare followed by that “R” word comment was inappropriate, offensive and disrespectful. To clarify your ignorant comment you stated over a patient perhaps this comments speaks for itself. He never apologized and just stared at me. A few months went on working in silence and I resigned. So, I am able to relate to how you may have felt about the malicious comments towards your husband. I am amazed with how you’re able to be a successful athlete, mom, wife, friend, writer and inspiration to so many. I respect you – you’re an athlete with a big heart feelings and my only hope is women continue to do what they love and not allow negativity to hold them back. Keep being a ROCKstar!! Thank you for being open, honest and a real person.
I really related to the article you wrote! I have had similar “discussions” (yelling matches) with the hubs when it comes to my running… I started reading comments and was thrown off completely!! I didn’t see the negativity necessary in the least!! Communication is key for sure…I am learning this day by day. Power on momma!!
Hell yes!!! Thank you so much for letting me know you can relate. I appreciate you reading it and commenting. Keep on doing what your doing and YES communication always! Thanks again.
I was thinking last night as I was going to bed that I bet you’re going to address this today….. so yes, I go to bed thinking of you. I would normally say that I was shocked by the comments, but hey, about 40% of this country is voting for a certain candidate who spews out and promotes hate, so I’m not so surprised…..
People constantly ask me if my hubs and kids are going to nyc to watch my marathon. No, I say. The kids have school and someone needs to stay back with them, so that would be their dad.
Anyway, I too, would rather have a beer with friends than hang with my kids right after a race, and if that makes me a terrible mom, so be it.
One last note, which I may have told you before, is that my boys always say that they won’t consider me successful in writing/blogging unless I have some haters…. you, are a mega success now!!
I love that you think of me before going to bed 🙂 and I REALLY love the last comment about the haters! LOL!!!
I say this all the time but truly mean it – thank you for always supporting me! You were one of the first out on Twitter having my back and I do not take that for granted!! MUAH!
Absolutely love this. It addresses a situation that most of us face. Who wants to get up early on the weekends to watch the kids or spectate a race when you could be sleeping in? I don’t like it when my husband is traveling for business and leaves me alone for days on end. Watching the kids for 2 hours on Saturday is just a little payback. Why do others think that what is put into social media is representative of our entire lives. It is simply a glimpse of a day. Maybe it’s the most read article because it hit too close to home?
Ok, first of all : OMG!! That is my tweet up there ! O. M. G!
Ok, now that the freak out is out of the way…. Thank you for writing this article! When I read it I found myself nodding along the entire time! Although I run and train with my fiancé, he is not always supportive of me doing other races, in fact he freaks out if I say I want to do another 5K. But like you, and our fighting matches often end on me yelling “I don’t want you to run with me!”
Thank you for brining light to this ignored struggle of women athletes!
I cannot believe you got haters after you for this article! that really sucks! But it must have really hit a nerve for them to come out against it.
You are so awesome!
Allie, thanks so much for writing this. While my husband doesn’t get my running, he does “put up with it”, but I do wish he was a bit more enthusiastic about it. I am SO sorry you (and your Hubbie) were subjected to such mean people. As I was raised if you can’t say something nice, keep your mouth shut. I am a Family NP and was subjected to numerous rude, insensitive, mean comments from patients about how I “still had a lot of weight to lose” or “I was pregnant again already” after I had my second baby. I tried to file a report with HR (to protect me from getting fired if I lost my s*** on a mean patient, I was advised to register for “sensitivity training” to help me better handle the comments. I was like, excuse me???? I always enjoy your blog and articles, please keep up the good work!
I can’t even believe the amount of hate. It baffles me the number of mean things that people are willing to say online, to someone they don’t know, who’s brave enough to share their voice and experience, who is sharing ONE part of their life. I’m sorry that you and your husband have to deal with this.
When I saw your post, I was so excited to read it because YES that it my life too. We don’t talk about this and we often only see the super enthusiastic partners and families and for those of us whose family members are more concerned about other things, it can feel like a sucker punch sometimes. My husband gets my running but he’s not super enthusiastic about it but we figured out a way that works because duh marriage and partnership.
I’m glad that you wrote the original post and this. xo
People are always going to find a way to hate, and that is largely because they aren’t READING. They aren’t listening, they are just skimming and then blocking out the rest. As long as you stand behind what you wrote, to hell with them!
Like this election. i don’t understand the levels of hate that are out there right now.
I have my thoughts about politics, but like I said in my post, I won’t “talk” politics. I will discuss them.
Truer words were never spoken! They never read the whole damn thing and it’s super frustrating but whatever…
Thanks so much Suzy! And, is this election over yet? Will it EVER be? That is MUCH scarier than some hate directed at me!
I have not even read your article (yet) but I will…but I wanted to comment here first. Yes, it is your privilege to publish your words but the ignorance people hold is absolutely amazing. And what people will say while hiding behind a screen is unbelievable. Because truly…would any of these haters make these comments to either one of your faces?! Good grief. Obviously, I do not know you…I do not know your husband. But in the short time since I have started reading your blog, honestly, I see nothing but love shared by you that you & your husband have for each other. Marriage takes work…it takes compromise. We are not always going to have all things in common or the same hobbies as our significant other AND THAT’S OKAY! So maybe he does not “support” you…but I would imagine he has a great deal of respect for you and is proud to call you his wife!
And now…I will go read your awesome contribution to Women’s Running. Run on (or swim…or bike…), Allie!!
Where have I been and why did I not see this article?!?! Just read it and thought it was said perfectly. But commenters. I have a theory about those who comment on major publications. They just want to argue. And fight. And spew nasty words to stir the pot because that’s how they get their laughs. It’s sick. You know what works with your family and that’s all that matters. Great job Allie on keeping it real and classy!
I haven’t read your article yet but hopefully I can carve out some time later today to give it a lookie loo. My ex husband slept through my Boston marathon, but that’s not why we got divorced; we got divorced because he slept through everything. Running has nothing to do with it. I mean, I could go on and on but you and I both know that you don’t need validation; you’re already secure in who you are and in your relationship with your hubby and your kids. I will tell you though that I get hate mail and it definitely comes with the honest, vulnerable posts. The more I put “out there” the more there is for people to judge. One time I had someone write to me, “Oh great, you get drunk and then breastfeed your baby. You’re an idiot and now you’re making even more idiots.” Or something like that. If anyone wants to think that I legit got drunk and breastfed my baby a bunch of tequila flavoured breastmilk, then IDGAF. Honestly, I don’t. I delete it, and move on.
Whoever called your husband a prick could probably use some tequila flavoured breastmilk.
OMG!? People are seriously out of their minds!! Judge much? I love how honest you are and never thought about people turning that into something negative but I guess I should have. I know you give zero fu*ks about it and you (and I) definitely know who we are and nothing is ever going to make us change.
And OMG my husband is dying over the tequila flavored breastmilk…and is also not entirely opposed to trying it 🙂 HA!!!
Remember ‘haters’ are just secret admirers. Keep it up, because it just means you are doing something right. #miyagistrong
As I read through the comments I really hoped that you didn’t take them too seriously. I know you have thick skin and you don’t take that stuff personally but still, WTF??!!?! People are assholes and they probably just read the title and the first couple sentences. They didn’t take the time to read the whole thing. I love that you are vulnerable and honest and the article was WELL WRITTEN and didn’t paint your hubby in a negative light. The part of the story that people don’t see is that while you’re at your races your hubby is having 1 on 1 time with the boys, building relationships with them, spending quality time doing the things that a good man should do. Honestly, when my family comes to my races it’s a little stressful and that stress affects the kids and they are in a bad mood and my hubby isn’t super happy to be there so he is in a bad mood…sometimes it is just a bad mood fest and then we have to rush off because no one wants to be there. I really enjoy going to races by myself sometimes–most of the time. Keep on writing good stuff!
As I read through the comments, it took a lot of self-control to not reply to some of those people and tell them that if they can’t say something nice or constructive, then to just keep their malicious thoughts to themselves. They also clearly did not read the whole article. The levels of hate in this country (and especially as expressed on media such as Facebook) make me really sad and I’m sorry that you and your husband were the target of it.
I loved the article – it was so eloquent and honest and never for a moment did I read it and view your husband in a negative light. I’ve only been married for two years, but I already know that there is so much more to marriage than one partner’s running. That only scratches the surface.
I used to write freelance for a current events blog and I left because the lack of charitable dialogue – even amongst the writers themselves – really bothered me, but that also showed me that my heart wasn’t in it completely. The haters reveal when something is worth the time and effort – because when the writing is worth it, their comments don’t matter!
People are so fucking ridiculous. They just seek out drama… isn’t this election enough drama for everyone?! Lawd Jesus.
Anyway, I totally get it. Vegas would rather scoop her eyeballs out with a spoon than workout like I do. LOL!
I think the election is partly responsible for the extra venomous hatred!!! LAWD Jesus is right – LOL!! Thanks Laura…
It really stinks that so many women felt uncomfortable with your article. Usually when negative feelings come up, it means those women have been confronted with something they are also dealing with, but don’t know how to handle it. Most women just want everything to be “ok” and perfect between their spouse and themselves when it comes with their hobbies. When it isn’t or there is some confrontation there, it is hard to process or deal with. You were honest and the way you and your husband make your athletics work is admirable. That’s what makes you good life partners.
Thank you so much and yes, I agree with absolutely every point you made. When something hits a little too close to home or, makes some people uncomfortable, they get defensive. At least I know who I am and know where my priorities are. Thank you!!
Oh, gosh, I read the article but not the comments. I related to it because my husband’s support has waned over the years. He used to be my race sherpa but this year he was out of town for the weekends of my two “big” (to me) races. He knows better than to try to undermine my running time, but usually he’s still asleep by the time I get back from my run!
LOL!! I’m glad you can relate and thank you so much for reading and commenting. I hope he’s around for your next “big” race but, if not, you know you can handle it without him…as we all can! Thanks again.
Oh. My. God. You are my solemate. My husband has a love-hate relationship with my running, in fact, I’ve written about it many times. Like yours, he’s come to peace with it. Probably because I’ve pardoned him from all my races. When I ran Chicago the second time, I told him to stay home because I didn’t want the pressure of having to find him or meet him at the finish. He was so grateful that is almost embarrassed me. He made my favorite meal and bought some very expensive cabernet. Now he’ll occasionally come to a race under his own free will. That’s what I’m talking about…
WTF are those haters hating about? I don’t want to go back and read the comments, but I feel like I might have to.
I actually like how we do it at my house. He’s so much more supportive of my running now that I’ve let him off the hook.
I sincerely hope you did not go back to read the hate. It’s truly not worth it and just upsetting for no reason.
I absolutely love that this is yet another thing we have in common and have worked out for the better. And I REALLY love that he made you your favorite meal and you shared a nice bottle of wine. At the end of the day (or race) that’s what matters!! Thanks so much Wendy!
Holy moly – have I been under a rock?!! I just got caught up on all of this tonight. WHOA, that is so crazy Allie!!! I can’t believe how mean people are. Your husband is a good man and that really sucks that people would say such horrible things. You wrote a great article and at the end of the day, this is great publicity! Ha ha!!
No, seriously – I was really appalled and I hope you stopped reading the comments…
Running is only one small piece of our life and yes to what Angela said – you know what works best for your family and that is all that matters!!! You have a beautiful family and just keeping being YOU. Awesome YOU.
xoxo
LOL – yes, it was great publicity for sure 🙂 tough, but good…I guess??
Thank you so much for your support and love Nat! I know you get who I really am and what running is really about! xo
I will never understand the ridiculous hate that comes from people on the internet. I’ve seen so many of my favorite bloggers/vloggers suffer because of this type of a situation – some of whom stop posting altogether. It’s really awful! I’m happy to hear you’re not letting them get to you.
I have heard the same and I will never give into the haters! Of course it hurts but I know why and who I wrote that article for so they can just keep doing their thing and I will do mine. THANK YOU for the support!!!
That’s totally bananas!! I just read your article and LOVED it, especially since I can relate. Even though my husband is a 4 time IM finisher, he’s not training at all right now and switched gears to starting a business and finishing his EMBA plus full time job. So since he’s got no physical outlet, he’s missing out seems to have forgotten that passion fir fitness. I’m sure he’ll get back to it later but right now he could care less. He was giving me grief for missing an hour of sleep to go workout but he FINALLY realized that it makes me happy and a better wife, mom, etc.
and I like the me time, we used to cycle and run together but nowadays I just like the alone time. Like no offense family I love you but I’m totally gonna enjoy this 30-60 minutes of no talking LOL. SERIOUSLY
I do enjoy taking the baby out for a run but she doesn’t talk yet so it’s totally ok haha. Plus the fall weather is so amazing and short that it’s a crime not to get outside while it’s here!
I read a few of the comments and people are just AWFUL. I read the article and I loved it. I am not married with kids but my bf of 3 years has never come to a race, nor do my family member. One sis races with me at times but the other quite literally lives about a half mile from the NYC marathon route and did not show up either year I ran NYCM so I totally get the lack of support. I will say my bf is my biggest cheerleader….from afar. And I am okay with that, I’ve learned to accept I love running and that is good enough. He will however compliment my dedication, feed me brunch and beers and give massages so there is that.
I read the article and found the Facebook post. Holy shit people are ignorant. I think that if they read your blogs they wouldn’t have the same opinion. To make an assessment of your marriage based on that is truly ignorant and I commented on the post with these same thoughts. I live with a man who doesn’t run and doesn’t get why I do it. I have been laid up for awhile because of a tear in my left ankle. I’m getting it fixed in two weeks and in two months I can start running again. He will have to understand that I would never put running ahead of him but he will have to give me my space to do what I love. Don’t let the haters bring you down. You know the old saying “Opinions are like assholes….”.
That is so true about reading the blog. One article is such a small slice of life that it’s so much easier to get all judgmental about it, but is also the reason you shouldn’t!!
So sorry you are dealing with a pretty serious injury right now. Sounds like you have a good plan for getting back on track and yes, running has a place in life but is not as important as relationships!!
Thanks so much Kris and I really appreciate that last bit – TRUTH! 🙂
Part of why authenticity is so scary is that it sometimes invites hate. I’d choose real over fake and nicely nice.
Obviously, I do too 🙂 Thanks Courtney!