I’m not proud of myself but “profiling” is a tactic I have used for self preservation, for over 15 years. As runners know all too well these days, you can never be too careful out there. In addition to having my music or podcast volume low, I keep my head on a swivel and, if you’re driving a late model Oldsmobile and I can barely see your head over the steering wheel, I may just jump into the woods around that corner, since I’m positive you can’t see me. Or anything else for that matter.
Here are other ways I profile people by the cars they drive when I’m running on the roads. Think of it as a public service announcement because it just may save your life. How you feel about yourself afterward is none of my concern.
Car type: Pick-up truck
Behind the wheel:
For whatever reason and, maybe it’s just in my farm town, but the men who drive the biggest pick-up trucks seem to be in the biggest hurry. They are forced to almost come to a complete stop if there is another vehicle coming from the opposite direction and they are super pissed about the three seconds they have to stop or slow down. I know this because as soon as the roadway is clear, they rev the engine and pass me going as fast as possible.
Dude, if your side view mirrors were not as big a flatscreen you wouldn’t have this issues. And, I’m so sorry I’m out here running on what is clearly your road. However, your reaction to my presence is more indicative of someone selling crack to kids.
I think you need to take up running to relax a bit before you have a massive coronary.
My reaction:
Do not make eye contact. Do not change position. Duck under side view mirrors if necessary. < – – this is never necessary for me since I’m 5′ 1″
Car Type: Minivan
Behind the Wheel:
Caution! There is most likely a tired, angry, hungry and annoyed mom with no less then four kids in the back. By 8:00am she has already had the longest day ever and most likely has handled human feces, mumbled obscenities to herself non-stop and completed five loads of laundry but has no clean clothes of her own.
As she drives her carnival of horrors past me I can see her eyes roll so severely into her head I think she may be convulsing. And then, as if we are momentarily telepathically connected, I am overcome by a distinct “Go f*ck yourself” directly into my face.
My reaction:
I slow down, start panting, let my form sag and look like I am having the worst time ever. Someone has to be the bright spot in her day.
Car Type: Commercial Van
Behind the wheel:
A. Painter
B. Contractor
C. Rapist
My reaction:
Silently praying for A or B while moving tab to “spray” position on mace.
Car Type: Volkswagen Passat
Behind the wheel:
Punks of the male variety and usually too many to actually fit into a Volkswagen Passat. They get overly excited to see some nerd out running and, since there is literally nothing better to do in my town, they get ready to whistle, cat call, drive too closely or shout obscenities, based solely on what I look like.
I like to think that I confuse them.
From a distance they may think I’m a young hottie so they get their best one-liners ready but, as they get closer I start looking more like a 15 year-old boy…but wait, I’m wearing a sports bra, which is when they ultimately realize I’m old enough to be their mom and, we have come full circle to the insults, middle fingers or sideswipes.
My reaction:
I put on the nastiest face I can conjure which, depending on the terrain may be easier or harder, move to the very edge of the pavement and keep my eyes focused on the road. I also desperately try to remember that I was once as young and as stupid as they are now and I make a mental note to go over this kind of idiocy with my sons.
Car type: Subaru Outback
Behind the wheel:
The happiest most outdoorsy and active person you would just ever have the pleasure of meeting. Their car is probably overloaded with kayaks, bikes and camping equipment.
They are most likely noshing on something organic and wholesome while talking on their bluetooth about the best way to conserve and preserve their favorite hiking trail.
They practically drive off the road to give you more room for your commendable activity and may quite possibly shout something encouraging and inspiring to spur you along.
If you flag them down they will give you food and shelter for the night.
My reaction:
You get me. But you’re taking it a little far, even for me.
[Tweet “Be honest, do you #profile cars on your #run? My thoughts and reactions to cars on the #run. #RunforYourLife”]
What kind of profiling do you do when you’re on the road?
What type of car and person did I miss?
This is totally spot on! I’m always on the ready for every single car. And I do notice every single car! A friend and I were running trails over the weekend when we came up behind a hunter walking ahead of us. I immediately saw the gun and we turned around. 5 minutes later we had to cross a road where a windowless white van goes rolling by. Talk about hightailing it after that!!! I’m profiling everybody!!
The hunting scares the crap out of me!! And good for you for noticing everything 🙂
LOL! I totally do this. Just yesterday, I was thinking about those maniac moms driving minivans! They go around the corners on 2 wheels. You could say the same for the moms driving those Honda Pilots too. I have a Jeep, so I’m exempt!
And those guys in the pickup trucks? Is it wrong to assume they are Trump supporters?
You are not wrong. Even in MA we have our fair share of Trump supporters. And most of them drive pick-ups. And, not for nothin, but since when does a man need to drive a pick up in metro Boston? Unless your a landscaper or contractor… Do you really need to hog the road in your massive pick up? I don’t get it.
OMG yes the Honda Pilots and CRVs are the minivans of our time!! So right on. And yep, I dare say the majority are Trump supporters and probably think women shouldn’t be running. 🙂
Hey great pun!
lol I’m never behind the wheel but I’ve experienced something like this on the roads–The worst is when dudes whistle at me from behind (awful) or when they BEEP at me making me paranoid that I am about to get hit by a car, meanwhile they just want my attention. Running around here is NOT normal, so these things happen often. UGH.
I cannot even fathom running in the city!!! And yes, the whistles and cat calls are the worst because I always feel like I can’t say or do what I want in response!!!
HAHAHA bwahhahahahaha. I read this post twice, once before my run and just now. oh my stars this is so great. before my run, it reminded me to pay attention and leave the music behind since i’d be going solo and it was super early o’ clock. i even left my watch but that was just mom brain and not giving a hoot.
now that i’ve read it again with my coffee and sleeping babe, i could fully enjoy the splendor of the words.
YES. i profile! of course i do. i grew up in the same house with very paranoid chinese 80 thousand year old great-grandmother and grandmother who survived wars and concentration camps. they put the fear of buddha in me every day about anything, literally as if we were under attack. walking to the bus stop each day was a big deal, my great grandmother used to bring her wooden cane and use it as a weapon in case anyone looked suspicious. mind you she was 4’7″!!! and had bound feet so it’s not like she could do much, but talk about balls. she had iron balls, like you wouldn’t believe.
anyhow, so yeah. i am not to be messed with if i’m running alone. i take up alllll the space when i’m running and make sure you better see my ass because i see you. unless you look scary then i’ll run off to the side and disappear LOL.
we live in a pretty nice area now so mainly i see fancy cars driving around when i’m running, but every now and then i’ll see the giant trucks that piss me off. why is it that they think they own the road? i’ll never know.
my great-grandmother taught me the best method of self preservation: act like you’re crazy, most criminals don’t want to mess with a crazy person. my gg always talked to herself and shouted, and walked around with a giant cane that was pointy on the end. NOBODY messed with her. i’ll never be as awesome as she was but at least i have her old rocking chair 🙂
happy friday Ali, go kick some butt like you do!!!
LOL – I think the act of running alone screams “I’m crazy!” especially in some of the conditions I’ve run in. That is the best advice yet! Thanks for reading twice 🙂
ja ja ja!! This is hilarious! and hit it exactly on the head!
I am awful… I profile people on the running paths… the runner with shorty shorts and no shirt-cross country runner; the runner with shorts, a water belt, a hat, a phone arm strap, and cotton shirt- the new runner, the mom on the stroller… I move out of her way, because she will run me off the road.
OMG you totally just gave me an idea for another post!! I so do the same exact thing with other runners – although I don’t get to see too many around these parts 🙂 Thanks Ana!!
You are hilarious, my friend! So talented… seriously… I think all of this too but could never put it into words the way you just did. Thanks for starting my day with a laugh!
And seriously, I definitely check out both cars and others on my running paths to determine if/when there is something unusual or dangerous headed my way… I hate that we have to be so cautious, but you can’t be too careful!
Hahaha – so glad I could start your day off right!! Thanks so much Laura and, be careful out there 🙂
Great post, funny topic! I run clear of anyone behind the wheel of a BMW. I think the BM must stand for “bad manners.” And I hate to say it, but ladies in their shades, on their iPhones, in the Mercedes SUVs…. Between trips to Starbucks and Pilates… Chances are they are not paying the slightest bit of attention to little old me. And any vehicle with more than 2 bumper stickers… Bumper stickers generally are not a good sign of the mental state of the driver. But that’s just my opinion based on a life spent in Masshole country 🙂 I wrote about the roads and distracted drivers on my blog this summer, when I was testing out my new road bike. Check me out at creakyjointsrunning.wordpress.com
OMG I agree 110%!!! I almost included the luxury SUV category but this post was getting too long already 🙂
I will definitely check out your blog and I am well aware of Massholes since I live very close to the border!
Thanks Lisa.
hahahahaha this is the best thing I’ve read all day! I love it!
These days I run mostly on trail, so my profiling is almost always of mountain bikers coming in the other direction.
If they are wearing cargo mountain bike shorts and a t shirt, I politely smile, step off the trail, and say hi. These guys are cool, and are more happy to share their love of the outdoors with us.
If they are wearing a full, matching kit…but not one covered in sponsor logos, just one they bought off of the internet, I tend to immediately jump off trail, because they will NOT slow down nor get out of the way for me. They believe they own this trail, and slowing down for 2.5 seconds to show the tiniest bit of caution or compassion may ruin their Strava numbers, where gaining “king of the mountain” title among their group of friends gives them the ego boost they are so desperately missing from the rest of their miserable lives.
If they are wearing no helmet, going the wrong way, and riding a hybrid from Walmart, I also jump out of the way. These people are super friendly too, but you can tell by the wobble on their bike that they aren’t quite sure they know how to come to a complete stop on trail, so it’s best for everyone if I do the moving over 😛 😉
LOL!!! I think you have a whole post right there about mountain bikers!! I totally hear you about the guys with the full kit but no sponsor. It’s the same one the road!
Be careful out there and thanks for the love 🙂
This post made me smile today. I notice who is driving a vehicle as well whether I’m running or driving too!
I’ve had to drive our work commercial van before and I look hilarious doing it…
I cannot imagine you behind the wheel of a commercial van. Please tell me you’re posting pics to Instagram 🙂
Haha my first car was a pick up truck 😉
I think I need to pay more attention – but being in NYC it’s more of being on taxi alert because I swear they are the biggest threat to you on the run!
Good for you!! My mom had one for years and drove it like a maniac!!!
I cannot fathom running (or driving) in the city. Taxi cabs are on a whole other level of crazy!
Ha hilarious! I can’t say I’ve profiled cars but I definitely profile people as I walk around the city. There are certain people that make me cross to the other side. And I sometimes see people who have really cute clothes on and I follow them closely to see if I can figure out where they are from!
I’ve definitely asked perfect strangers where they have gotten their clothes!!
Love this, Allie! And still chuckling about the Subaru Outback. That’s what I drive!
Of course you do!! 🙂