I never thought I would actually see the inside of a kill room. I assumed they would stay in the nightmares I sometimes have after watching the latest Dexter episode. I certainly never thought I would walk into one at the Spa at the Hotel Hershey while on vacation at “the sweetest place on earth.” Apparently the spa staff did not get the memo.
My family and I had a long weekend planned to the park and my loving and thoughtful hubs got me this luxurious spa treatment for my birthday, so that when we were in Hershey hell…I mean happily riding every kiddie ride in the park in 90 degree weather with 80% humidity, I would be able to take a spa break. So yeah, as he was swilling Captain and Cokes at the pool with my father and the twins, I was walking into imminent death. And my attendant was a woman with not even the slightest resemblance to Dexter Morgan. Bummer.
If you’ve never watched Dexter, you’re missing out. Basically, he kills people in a very particular way and by a very particular set of rules (the code!). Oh, and he works for Miami Metro Police as a blood spatter analyst. Of course. When he kills people, he sets up a “kill room” which consists of lots of plastic and he always wears his black plastic apron. He proceeds to wrap his victims in the plastic before stabbing them through the heart in very dramatic fashion. When I walked into my Chocolate Covered Strawberry Body Wrap appointment there were two sheets of plastic covering the table and a black plastic apron displayed across a cabinet to my left. I cannot make this shit up.
Now, anyone who knows me knows that I cannot relax. I hate sitting still. I hate hair appointments, facials (I’ve only had one in my life!), pedicures, manicures basically anything that restricts my movement for long periods of time. The only exception to this is massage. I absolutely love massages and if I could book a 3 hour one, I definitely would.
So upon arriving into what is supposed to be a serenity room, I just have to ask Joann (my treatment specialist) “Um, are you going to kill me?” To which she replies “Oh my God, do watch Dexter? You’re the second person to say that!” Only the second? I was relived to hear that she both had heard that before (so I didn’t sound completely insane) and that she had no intention of stabbing me with a knife.
She left the room so I could get undressed and when she returned she said “Oh I was just sharpening my knives.” Cute. Very funny Joann. Way to put me at ease for this 90 minutes of relaxation!
So she started exfoliating and massaging and doing a bunch of other things with fancy names I don’t understand or ever do to my skin. She finally starting wrapping me up in the plastic and towels which is the final step before leaving me alone in the room for a 20 minute nap. I was really starting to unwind and get into this whole spa-la-land when Joann pulled back the curtain to the shower area that was part of the room and said ‘Just so you know, there’s no one behind here” You are frickin hilarious Joann! You’re really wasting your talents here at the spa in Hershey. I’m sure they could use you at a roast somewhere!
So with those comforting thoughts in mind, she left me alone with the plastic apron hanging precariously close to me. Now remember, I’m completely wrapped up with no use of my limbs, in a dark room at a hotel that was built in the 1900s! Oh yes, let the relaxation begin. Dear God!
Here’s one great thing about having 4 year-old twins on summer vacation at a theme park; I fell RIGHT to sleep! The only scary thing that happened was the sound of my snoring. I actually woke myself up it was so goddamn loud! Now that is hot.
Needless to say, I was relaxed, Joann got her comedy hour in and Dexter did not make an appearance. Maybe next year…
Do you enjoy going to spas? Have you ever had a crazy experience at one? More on Hershey Park soon…
Love it! Glad you did relax!
It was a process but yes, eventually it paid off!
Dying (no pun intended I swear!!) laughing at this Allie!! HA HA HA! I love that your attendant played along with your fears!!-Ashley
Good one Ashley!! Yeah she was loving every minute!!
I missed an important part of the story. Were you wrapped in chocolate and strawberries?
Ha ha!!! Yeah, I kinda left out the details…no, it was more of a chocolate scrub and strawberry scented lotion. They always make it sound so much more appealing…
I just “peed” myself ~ Maybe you & Joann can “go on the road” together!. Glad you finally did relax (for 10 mins)
I know, right? She was too funny! I was definitely relaxed…:-)
This is so hilarious! You poor thing! And I’m right with you on massages. If I was stinkin’ rich, I would schedule a massage every single day!
Seriously! I think I would rather have a personal masseuse then a chef. Glad you enjoyed it!!
LOL! I’m cracking up at your Dexter reference! I’ve never seen this show before, but you described it to a T and after that description…I don’t think I want to see it! I do enjoy going to spas and I haven’t gone in a while. I love to get facials and massages and like you…I always fall asleep…ALWAYS!
Ha ha!! I know, right? Sounds like a really nice show…if you’re into murdering people! Too funny. I’m glad to hear you fall asleep too!! It was totally embarrassing!
Your welcome dear. You may not be so lucky next year. Muhhaaaa…
– Your Loving and Plotting Husband
I love spa treatments….and Dexter! I’ve binged on Dexter and love it (although the last season started to go awry IMHO). I freaked out when I saw “Miami Metro” trailers in my neighborhood when they were filming (no Michael C. Hall sightings though).
I’m not a patient person either but a massage is heaven. My husband however, believes that massages are the closest you can get to hell without stepping foot inside (he hates people he doesn’t know touching him).
I hope that for your next massage that creepy doesn’t seep into your thoughts.
OMG I can’t believe they were filming in your ‘hood!!! That is way too cool but bummer about not actually seeing “Dexter” himself.
My husband also hates massages and the last time I talked him into one, he got a man which completely freaked him out.
I’ve never had a creepy experience with my massages so I will definitely stick to those!!
I HATE spas! Don’t like people touching me!! That is hilarious about Dexter though. I don’t watch it but I’ve seen previews and can only imagine.
Hi Emma!! Thanks for stopping by! I wholeheartedly agree with the touching thing…but somehow I love massages!?
ohmygosh that’s hilarious!!! Joann sounds like quite the character and yes, not exactly the way to help you unwind! I love love love massages but I can’t do body wraps. Makes me feel claustrophobic, especially with having my arms wrapped.
Now I know that I will never do a body wrap again! It was just “ok” but I definitely didn’t like being wrapped up for that long and I don’t think I would have been able to fall asleep if I wasn’t on vacation!!