I never thought I would actually see the inside of a kill room. I assumed they would stay in the nightmares I sometimes have after watching the latest Dexter episode. I certainly never thought I would walk into one at the Spa at the Hotel Hershey while on vacation at “the sweetest place on earth.” Apparently the spa staff did not get the memo.
My family and I had a long weekend planned to the park and my loving and thoughtful hubs got me this luxurious spa treatment for my birthday, so that when we were in Hershey hell…I mean happily riding every kiddie ride in the park in 90 degree weather with 80% humidity, I would be able to take a spa break. So yeah, as he was swilling Captain and Cokes at the pool with my father and the twins, I was walking into imminent death. And my attendant was a woman with not even the slightest resemblance to Dexter Morgan. Bummer.
If you’ve never watched Dexter, you’re missing out. Basically, he kills people in a very particular way and by a very particular set of rules (the code!). Oh, and he works for Miami Metro Police as a blood spatter analyst. Of course. When he kills people, he sets up a “kill room” which consists of lots of plastic and he always wears his black plastic apron. He proceeds to wrap his victims in the plastic before stabbing them through the heart in very dramatic fashion. When I walked into my Chocolate Covered Strawberry Body Wrap appointment there were two sheets of plastic covering the table and a black plastic apron displayed across a cabinet to my left. I cannot make this shit up.
Now, anyone who knows me knows that I cannot relax. I hate sitting still. I hate hair appointments, facials (I’ve only had one in my life!), pedicures, manicures basically anything that restricts my movement for long periods of time. The only exception to this is massage. I absolutely love massages and if I could book a 3 hour one, I definitely would.
So upon arriving into what is supposed to be a serenity room, I just have to ask Joann (my treatment specialist) “Um, are you going to kill me?” To which she replies “Oh my God, do watch Dexter? You’re the second person to say that!” Only the second? I was relived to hear that she both had heard that before (so I didn’t sound completely insane) and that she had no intention of stabbing me with a knife.
She left the room so I could get undressed and when she returned she said “Oh I was just sharpening my knives.” Cute. Very funny Joann. Way to put me at ease for this 90 minutes of relaxation!
So she started exfoliating and massaging and doing a bunch of other things with fancy names I don’t understand or ever do to my skin. She finally starting wrapping me up in the plastic and towels which is the final step before leaving me alone in the room for a 20 minute nap. I was really starting to unwind and get into this whole spa-la-land when Joann pulled back the curtain to the shower area that was part of the room and said ‘Just so you know, there’s no one behind here” You are frickin hilarious Joann! You’re really wasting your talents here at the spa in Hershey. I’m sure they could use you at a roast somewhere!
So with those comforting thoughts in mind, she left me alone with the plastic apron hanging precariously close to me. Now remember, I’m completely wrapped up with no use of my limbs, in a dark room at a hotel that was built in the 1900s! Oh yes, let the relaxation begin. Dear God!
Here’s one great thing about having 4 year-old twins on summer vacation at a theme park; I fell RIGHT to sleep! The only scary thing that happened was the sound of my snoring. I actually woke myself up it was so goddamn loud! Now that is hot.
Needless to say, I was relaxed, Joann got her comedy hour in and Dexter did not make an appearance. Maybe next year…
Do you enjoy going to spas? Have you ever had a crazy experience at one? More on Hershey Park soon…