As you all know, and are probably tired of of hearing, I’ve been buried in snow and trying to run my way out for months now. Between wind chills in the negative double digits, record snow fall and my husband staring at me and shaking his head while telling me “It’s just not smart” for the billionth time, it’s a wonder I’ve run outside at all this winter.
However, if I’m anything it’s
stupid stubborn, so instead of dragging my sorry ass onto the treadmill everyday and complaining about it, I’ve adapted to the harsh conditions surrounding me like a snow leopard. Ok, maybe like a stealthy cat with nine lives, but you get the idea.
Here are the skills you need to hone, should you find yourself in a vast frozen land with nothing but your winter running gear and your wits:
Leaping snow banks in a single bound: If you don’t have cat like reflexes for jumping out of the way of speeding cars with sexting drivers behind the wheel, you have no business being out there. #Jump!
Absolutely no music: Putting on your iPod is a suicide mission. You will need your sense of hearing more then anything else. If you can’t see the cars over the 10 foot snow bank, you sure as hell better be able to hear them!
Make peace with being hated: There’s barely room for two cars to pass though what was once a road but is now a snow tunnel. This means a driver will have to actually come to a full stop, if there’s another vehicle approaching in the opposite direction, to avoid killing you. They will want to kill you. They will also let you know they could barely restrain themselves from running you over by revving their engine loudly, and making a huge arc around you as they give you a look of distain as they speed past. Of course this is warranted since you wasted 7 seconds of their life.
The ice dance: There is ice everywhere. You think you’re going slow enough to be able to slow up before hitting it, however, there will be surprise patches! Always be ready to do that little toe prancing, half step, pitter patter over the ice at a moments notice. You must return from each run uninjured so you can prove your point of how ‘perfectly safe’ it is out there.
Yelling at the wind: Winter weather is often accompanied by relentless wind. Even when your weather app clearly tells you there’s no wind, that one road will be like running behind a jet engine. Screaming obscenities into the wind helps in two ways – #1 you always feel better when you tell the wind exactly what you think of it and #2 it will help thaw your chin slightly.
When all else fails and it truly isn’t smart to run outside (which has been 90% of this month!) be sure to walk into the gym with your head hung in defeat, your eyes glazed over in total boredom as you look at your nemesis the treadmill, and start loud conversations with your running friends about the injustice of it all. Other gym members love that.
Be safe out there and may all your treadmill runs be swift!
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Do you have any tips to add?
Do you yell at the wind?