Yes it’s almost Thanksgiving and everyone is out on social media being thankful for health and family and DIY turkey centerpieces. I too am thankful for all of those things (maybe not the DIY turkey) especially when I’m celebrating yet another Thanksgiving without my mom but with a very healthy, huge Italian family. I get it. What I do not get is with all this thankfulness gushing out of our fingers, why so much nastiness and stupidity still surrounding me?
Inspiration can strike when you least expect it. As I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off gathering my things after teaching a spin class at my gym, I headed to the locker room to quickly rinse myself in the shower. I had to delve right into my day with the kids and didn’t have time to stop at home to bathe like I usually do. Being the type A psycho person I am, I shower before spin class so I can just do a quickie rinse after class and get on with my day.
As in every locker room in every gym, I imagine, we have changing rooms in ours. I threw all of my crap into one and then threw my naked body into a shower. I do this every time. I put all my stuff in the changing room before I shower so I can be just a tiny bit faster. Are we detecting a pattern here? Even my showering revolves around speed! Usually, it’s a non-issue. However, on this day the locker room was swarming with the what I refer to as the gang of pool ladies. Now, if you’ve ever belonged to a health club that has pool classes for the silver sneaker types then you know that these grannies are not the kind who knit. They are a soggy bottomed bathing suit, wrinkled militia. They are harmless, until you cross them. As far as a lot of them are concerned, they own the locker room and they like to spread out and take over.
Take my changing room and it’s ON bitch!
As I exited the shower (which I did in 30 seconds mind you) I could hear two of them cackle “Is that your stuff in there?” referring to my stuff in the changing room, “No, but it’s been in there for a long time. You know what you should do? You should just put your stuff on top of theirs!” Oh yes, that will teach me a lesson. Long time? Are you insane? So I roll my eyes because I know what’s coming.
As soon as I step out of the changing room I’m accosted by a big boned, grey-haired woman with a booming voice who says to me “Is that your stuff? (not waiting for an answer) “Because you have taken over that changing room, I was forced to change in public (furiously pointing to the open space of the locker room which is currently filled with half-naked women in the process of changing) and it’s ridiculous.” Um, which part of this conversation is not ridiculous? I can’t believe you were subjected to change openly in a women’s locker room. And, I’m pretty sure that if you timed me from the moment my sweaty socks hit that changing room to the moment I stepped out, showered and fully clothed, it would amount to about 7 minutes. I basically time myself for a living so you’re messing with the wrong girl.
Of course I said none of that because after her little rant she just spun around and *poof* was gone! However, I would like to thank you grumpy granny because you have inspired me to write what I’m thankful not to be this holiday season:
1. A a nasty woman in the locker room
2. The person in charge of the Obamacare web site
3. Miley Cyrus
4. The woman who dressed as a Boston bombing victim for Halloween
5. The horse Lady Gaga rode in on
6. In the middle of a wine shortage
7. A Giants football fan
8. Someone who uses the term “first world problems” and/or “epic”
9. The CEO of Lululemon
10. A mom of triplets
After we serve this turkey it’s twearking time people!
So as I gather together with my family this week I will be thankful that I have first world problems small problems compared to what is going on in other parts of the country, the world and apparently the locker room at the YMCA. Thank you mean granny for setting me straight!
What are you thankful to not be this holiday season? What’s your favorite Turkey Day tradition? What bothers you about other people in the locker room?
hahaha this post was hilarious. I did not see Lady Gaga and her white horse! But Miley- yes DEF glad she I am NOT! Did you see the cat fiasco last night?!
PS- I too shower pre-class so the post class shower is shorter… it’s more efficient! Have a great Thanksgiving!
Thanks Emma!! I missed the cat fiasco!? I was probably asleep.
Glad to know someone else showers before and after classes!
Happy Thanksgiving to you too…
Bwahahahahahahaha. OMG…your list had me cackling!! YES, I am totally thankful I’m not a grumpy locker room lady ( had a run in with a silver sneaker type in a locker room once. They are fierce)…or Miley Cyrus…or twerking in general. Fantastic post, Allie! SO funny!! –Lisa
Thanks so much Lisa! I love when I can give you a good laugh to start your dose day right 🙂
I’m definitely not a grumpy locker room lady. I’m in and out as fast as I can when I go. Thanks for the laugh this morning! 🙂 I am very glad I’m not any of those people on your list either!
Being grumpy just slows you down! Thanks Michelle 🙂
I think the mean gray haired lady was jealous of what she is NOT. and that was you!!!!! She took one look at you and knew she would NEVER in whatever life she has left would look the way you do. Strong arms, great muscular legs, tight ass. Yeah she saw you and was totally threatened.Reality has a way of hitting us right smack in the face at times…..
Sucks for her.
Love ya
Auntie L
OMG you are too funny!!! I really do think she was just pissed about the changing room but I love your take on it.
You are hilarious! A mom of triplets… I’d have to say that would top my list! Bummer about the mean lady at the gym, though. 🙁
I’m always thankful that I don’t have one more child of the exact same age. When the boys were babies, it was my saving grace. I honestly could not handle one more!! My hat is off to every mom of triplets 🙂
Thanks Laura!
This post is EPIC, Allie! Totally kidding. I absolutely LOVE your description of the silver-sneakered militia! This phenomenom is not isolated to your part of the country. No, it’s alive and well in gyms, pools, and locker rooms across the nation. When I used to swim laps at a different pool, there was one lady who would spread her crap out to the far ends of the locker room, commandeer a changing stall, and take an ETERNITY to shower and get dressed. Like you, I’m in and out in no more than 7 minutes. Love this idea of being thankful for things we’re not! I’m forever grateful I’m not a high-maintenance broad. Low maintenance for life. Peace out!
YOU are hilarious my friend!! Love everything about this comment especially your “peace out!” HA!!!
I’m also super grateful that I’m low maintenance. That is a great addition to the list!!
Best Thankful list I have seen all season! I love the CEO one and the designer of the Obamacare website. And fI totally agree on the crazy pool grannies. I stopped going to our gym and switched because of these nuts. Take your saggy tush and water shoes elsewhere crazy ladies!!
Ha ha!! Right on. Thanks so much!
OMG you are too funny! I have been in locker rooms with that crowd before. Scary stuff! I am thankful not to be the people who go shopping on Black Friday much less Thanksgiving!
YES! Good one Kris!! I’ve never done the Black Friday thing. I’m all about cyber Monday…or Tuesday, or Wed. You get the idea.
I hear you! Cyber any day for me too!
Funny post! :o) I came in contact with a mean granny in the pool while I was training for my tri. She was more hurried than I was! In fact, she was in such a hurry she didnt have time to close the shower curtain before her shower! I have also come in contact with the mean gramps before in the main work out room. Not fun either! I failed to sign up for a stationary bike, I was new and didnt know the ropes yet.
Yikes!! I’m sorry you had to see that.
Sign ups for spin are serious business. I teach two classes a week and it’s getting to be that time of year when the fights break out. So much for peace on earth.
So that was so much funnier than I was anticipating…I thought you were going to say “sick” or something like that. I love a surprise laugh:) I avoid locker room issues by avoiding locker rooms (!) My favorite Thanksgiving tradition is smelling the onions and celery boiling for the stuffing. And I’m thankful that I’m not traveling this year, especially as a major storm seems to be approaching! Happy Thanksgiving:)
I’m glad I could surprise you a little bit! You definitely have the best solution to locker room chaos.
100% agree about being thankful for not having to travel. That storm is creating a lot of issues already and it’s only Monday. Here’s to being home for the holidays!
Thanks for the laugh!!! But very sorry you had to put up with this. Ugh some people…I really wonder where their joy went!
Yes – where is the joy? I just don’t get being so cranked up over something so minor. Maybe it’s the mounting stress of the holidays?!
HYSTERICAL! You have such a flare with creative writing-I ‘saw’ it all as I read it! You should also count yourself lucky you aren’t making 40, Pintrest (devil) corn on the cobs for a pre-school family feast! Thank you for the smile break from craft hell!
I am eternally grateful that I’m not making anything from Pinterest this morning. Your corn cobs are coming out marvelously. Oh the things we do for our kids! Thanks Shannon…and thanks for being the first person to patiently listen to me re-tell this story!!
I love everything about this post, except the part about the crotchety old lady. I’m thankful I don’t work at a bakery since I have such a sweet tooth.
Absolutely! I’m thankful I don’t work at Ghirardelli chocolates 🙂
I am totally cracking up out loud. At all of them, but #2 and #3 got me. I am really happy to not be “sucking at life” as my husband lovingly refers to nasty people as doing.
I’m thankful I don’t work in a corporate office. I’m thankful I’m not the boss of someone like me in a corporate office, because I might have been the worst employee ever.
Ha ha ha!! That is great. I’m also thankful I’m not in a corporate office – ugh, the worst!!
Oh my gosh. I love this! You are hilarious! I am definitely not thankful for all the crappy commuters to and from work. I don’t know when it became acceptable for 40+ year old men to women but apparently it is. Also, I really hate it when people are rude. That old granny needs to get a life!
I don’t know how you do it day after day being on a packed train of people! That’s a great add to the list! Thanks Britt.
I read your post on my cell phone this morning. I laughed so hard. As a member of the local Y, I’ve had encounters with the silver sneaker soggy bottomed swim suit militia. Too funny. Your list is hilarious and a great twist to being thankful. Im thankful Im not any of those people or things too
So glad I could give you a good laugh! It’s funny, so many people have had run-ins with the “militia!” Thanks Hope.
GIRL I have had my fair share of weird lockerroom experiences but this one is pretty bad!! and quite hilarious!! These people just think they own the locker rooms. So annoying. I can go on for days about this! I love the things you are thankful you are not. I say epic sometimes, but guess what you still LOVE ME!
And I am a 50% giants fan so that HURT. Not as bad as yesterdays loss though. *wall slides*
I said “epic” in one of my lasts posts so I annoy myself! Ha ha!!
I just feel badly for Giants fans. My BIL is a die hard and it’s been so painful. I’m not too well off myself being a Green Bay fan!! Having an injured QB is not how I pictured this season. Booooo.
This is too funny! Although all the silver sneaker pool ladies at my gym enjoy lounging around in the locker room buck naked taking up all the space. It’s not a pretty sight. at. all.
I feel like it’s one or the other. In the last gym I worked at they were the naked loungers. So weird!! Thanks Angela.
I love the ladies that walk around the locker room topless, chatting with their friends and oblivious to my bleeding eyes. Tuck those babies in their holsters, ladies – I don’t need to see them. I’m thankful to not have boobs down to my knees 🙂
Good one!! I am also thankful for that.
There was a woman at a different gym I worked at who would walk around the locker room with a towel around her waist. WHAT? It was the weirdest thing. I just wanted to go over and pull it UP! Maybe she thought she was a man. Not sure.
Well, after reading about your experience, I’m thankful to not be working out at the gym and therefor having to worry about naked half-dressed old ladies accosting me!!!
And, I’m right there with you on being thankful that we are not in a wine shortage.
True! The best way to avoid the pool militia is to not belong to a gym!! I would put up with them any day over a wine shortage – God forbid! 🙂
Hilarious especially 2, 3, 6 and 8. Thank you for this Allie. I so needed to read this today (been one of those days). Happy Happy Thanksgiving! Hope it’s epic and full of wine 🙂
Ha ha ha!! Thanks Christine. SO glad I could offer a smile on one of “those days.” Tomorrow will be better!
Oh my goodness! Are they serious? This sounds absolutely ridiculous! I’m glad you didn’t have a chance to go off on her. She didn’t deserve your precious words. 🙂 I am definitely thankful that I am not alone for the holidays and I am also thankful that I am not someone else. I enjoy being me! LOL. Loved this post, Allie!
That is so great Brittnei! I also enjoy being ME. Love it!! Thank you 🙂
Oh Allie! I love the list of what you’re not! I am so glad I am NOT one of those women in the locker room who was talking about your stuff while you were in the shower! Ha ha! Have a great Thanksgiving my friend!
I know, right? Thanks so much. Enjoy Thanksgiving my friend!!
Oh yes, I am thankful for all those things! I am really thankful that I’m not a PTA mom. I tried dipping my toe in that water last week and learned that I’m not cut out for that kind of drama.
OMG I can only imagine the PTA drama!! Luckily, I’m not there yet with the boys but I know enough from other moms like you to steer clear 🙂
I just love where you took me with this post. Let’s see: I’m not thankful to not be home and not having a big family thanksgiving with all who are not unlucky enough to be living in the Midwest where I do not want to be. Got it?
Got it!!…and sorry 🙁
Excited to see you posted about the Junk Drawer – heading there now…
Haha you are hilarious! It must have taken a lot of willpower not to rip this woman a new one!
This Thanksgiving, I am NOT THANKFUL for….
-crazy women who yell at me about picking up dog poop before I’ve had a chance to take the bag out of my pocket.
-drivers who can’t figure out when it’s their turn at the stop sign.
-movie goers who laugh at inappropriate times.
-people in the gym who don’t wipe down their treadmills or talk loudly on their cellphones next to you.
It actually wasn’t that bad because she spun around so quickly. I knew it was coming so, it was a little bit easier to restrain myself. Plus, I work there and I’m probably expected to be a little professional.
I am also thankful for ALL the things on your list! GREAT additions!!
OMG DON’T HATE MY Father or Brother but… They are HUGE Giants fans! LOL!!!!
PS: F*** THAT CRACKY OLD WOMAN!!!!!!!!!! That is something I aspire NOT TO BE WHEN I AM OLDER!!!!! What’s up her damn butt!
I think the only thing I am not Thankful for this year is… My CONSTANTLY BLOATED TUMMY. I look like a pregnant whale at all hours of the day… Sexy? I think NOT!
You are sexy no matter what Gigi – plus, you can hide your bloat with an apron 🙂
I’m not hating on Giants fans, I feel badly for them b/c their team has absolutely sucked this year. It was the worst start to the season in 40 years. Not so good.
Thanks GiGi!!
Funny! Ya gotta love the elderly’s. They just don’t care. I guess when you don’t have that many years left It becomes all about me. Happy Thanksgiving Allie and to your family. May we have many many more.
So true!!! Although I’m only 38 and I tend to not care…as you know.
Have a GREAT Thanksgiving and yes to many, many. many more!!
Laughing my tail off!!!! I need to share this with folks who could use a good laugh! The nerve of Granny! You are too funny, and what a good post idea. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!
I love it when you can come here laugh and SHARE! ‘Tis the season, right? Thanks so much Andrea!
I avoid locker rooms. There is usually some obnoxious person taking up the changing room for seven minutes and I don’t like to change in public. LMAO!
Also, for some totally unknown reason the next time someone really makes me angry I have the desire to say “f$@ you and the horse Lady Gaga rode in on”. You can use that one if you need to. Use it on the cranky old lady. Of course, then she’ll ask “Lady who” and I’m not sure you want to have that conversation.
And I totally second you on the Miley Cyrus thing. I’m even more thankful none of my children are her.
You are cracking me up!!! I would so use that line about Lady Gaga but yeah, too much explanation.
SO thankful I have boys and I truly hope none of them grow up to be the male version of Miley…whoever that is!? Thanks Carla!
I read this the other day at work, HILARIOUS! My gym is missing the pool. Our little old ladies take PUMP and are beast, lol. Older ppl think they’ve earned the right to say anything. Sometimes you just want to cuss the out, ha!
That is awesome!! We have a few older “beasts” as well but mostly the pool gangs. Thanks Joi!
This is hilarious and I really, secretly, wanted you to tell her off. You are a better person for not, and I’m better off because I got to read your funny, funny post! Happy Thanksgiving!
Ha ha!! So true! Thanks Stephanie.
Oops. So guilty of using the word “epic.” I try to be as snarky as possible when doing so but every so often I am being serious about it. Please don’t flog me. LOL
No flogging necessary! I just used it in a post of mine and annoyed myself. Sometimes you really do *need* to use it 🙂
bahahaha
We used to refer to the pool ladies as the “bobbers”.
Ga-ga run nah nah … now that’s stuck in my head!
Hahahaha!! Love it.
GREAT POST! So wonderful. I feel like we are pretty much the same people! I had to take a moment and do my thankful list. (http://www.godanskermom.com/2013/11/26/my-mommy-thanksgiving-list/)
AND YES to the Lady Gaga horse. Although that horse- now famous! So it’s not all bad. 😉
Oh, and I am a Redskins fan. WAY WAY worse than being a Giants fan.
Ha ha! Thank you!! At least the Redskins have WON some games and RG III perks up around the 4th quarter…sometimes!? I feel your pain b/c RG III is one of my fantasy football quarterbacks. It’s been rough.
Thanks for the link to your post, I’ll check it out!
This post is FANTASTIC! I’m not only glad to NOT be Miley, I’m also glad to NOT be Miley’s parents! 🙂
SO true!!! No wonder they’re divorced.
Thanks Angela.
OMG!!!!! How did I miss this post????? So glad you shared on #LOBS weekend!!! I LOVE it!!!
Thanks Amber!! So glad you liked it. It was a fun one to write 🙂
Haha this is too funny. I loved it. Why is it the people who pop off tend to disappear the quickest. Oh well. It made for a very entertaining story.
She was very entertaining…but quick! Ha ha! Thanks Stevie.