Nine years ago, when I got pregnant with the twins, my friends were extremely honest with me about what life would be like after having kids. Phrases like “sobbing crying,” “hot mess” and “wild insanity” were the ones I remember most and, I give them a lot of credit for being so honest with me. Most all of it was true and, although no one is ever truly prepared to have a baby (let alone twins!) at least I had a small idea of what to expect.

Apparently I need new dog owning friends because none of them prepared me for the beast that now lives in my home and the various ways in which life in that home has been forever disrupted.

The following is my truth of what it’s like to bring home a puppy and the stark similarities and major contrasts to bringing home babies. I like to think both meet somewhere in the middle between madly in love and madly out of your mind.

THEY DESTROY EVERYTHING

StarFire came in like an adorable, sweet, doe-eyed puppy and proceeded to eat everything in her path! This dog has destroyed far more furniture, cushions, shoes, comforters and rugs than the twins ever have. It’s not even close. Just when I thought it was safe to buy another rug for the back door, she peed on it and then starting eating it. Does she have something against Target or just me?

Sometimes you wake up to your bathroom looking like this…

I also buy more bones for this dog than socks for the boys, which is a shit ton. She chews up “indestructible” toys seemingly just to prove a point. I think the point she’s making is that she is a jerk but really, I must be the jerk since I keep buying them!

THEY SMELL AND ARE DISGUSTING

Imagine changing your babies diaper and then having to carry it around the neighborhood like some nauseating trophy, because that’s what you have to do with dog poop on a walk. It’s truly disgusting. Don’t even get me started on the clean up that happens in the back yard. Luckily, we never really used it to begin with and now, it’s more like the house where a murder was committed- – the mess has been cleaned but you know too much about what happened there, and don’t want to go inside.

Since I need to keep up her bone habit so she won’t start gnawing on the granite, her gas could knock out Isis. Not joking. If we send StarFire’s ass to fight in Iraq, we could possibly end this thing. Plus, imagine the tweets that would result from our “president” if that happened. < – – you know why that’s in quotes

DOG MOM JUDGEMENT IS REAL

I kid you not when I tell you the judgment of the collective dog parenting community rivals that of any smug mom squad. I have been looked down upon for the way I train the dog, don’t train the dog, the way I chose to board her, the vet, the lack of vet, the running, the non-running and on and on and on. WTH dog community?  I seriously had no clue this was a thing until it happened to me.

And, the dog owners who don’t have any kids are the worst offenders since they truly believe these fur-babies are their children. If they actually had kids they would realize how flawed this thinking is but I wouldn’t dare tell them that lest I be shunned from the dog park!

MY DOG IS UNFRIENDLY AND IT’S MY FAULT

Wrong.

Don’t you think I want my dog to be friendly? Do you think I enjoy telling people she may want to bite their fingers off if they try to touch her? Do you think my husband and I like paying the one babysitter who will come into our house, and exhorbonent amount of money just to deal with our aggressive little psycho and the twins so we can have a night out? NO!

We have done everything (see below) to get her to chill out when it comes to strangers and, although she is getting better, the side-eye from people when I tell them she’s not friendly, has not.

Just like kids, you do the best you can to raise them properly but they can still turn out to be assholes. Sorry.

DOG TRAINERS ARE LIARS

I have had this dog in training since she was 9 weeks old and guess what? She still jumps up and scratches the hell out me, still chews on things she shouldn’t and still lunges and barks at strangers. Why? Because when she goes to training they give her the equivalent of a filet mignon, bottle of $120.00 pinot noir and molten lava chocolate cake all day, every week in the form of treats, treats and more treats. If I were her and someone was shoving that in my mouth all day I would obey all their commands too!

Star is very busy “training.”

I’m sorry I can’t walk around at home with a veritable meat market of chewable steak strapped to my waist and throw it at her all day long. Excuse me if I can’t reach for a meatball to distract her with while I’m carrying 17 bags of groceries in from the car, so she won’t claw at my face because she’s “happy to see me.”

Dog trainers are the equivalent of grandparents. What happens at the grandparents house is not reality.

THEY ARE THE BEST EVER

That’s right, just like kids, you somehow forget all the horrible, terrible, awfulness when you look into their eyes and feel how much you love them. Star has been a challenge for sure but she has brought our family together and has given us more laughs (because at some point you just have to laugh) than I would have imagined at the beginning.

I absolutely love the bond I have with her and although she lacks a lot of manners, so do I. And, when we’re outside running together and she’s not trying to bite anyone or chew on anything, and I’m happy because I’m not carrying a bag of her poop I think…

Maybe we should get another one.

Which is something I never thought about after having the boys!

Do you have a dog and kids? If not, no nasty comments or judgement! 

Can you relate?

What is the worst thing your dog or kids ever did to ruin something in the house?