…when these two animals are supposed to walk down an aisle in a wedding?
Dear Lord help me because I do not know!
This Saturday….wait, wait, let me back up…thirty some odd years ago my cousin Brendan was born. Too far? Ok, so you may remember the groom as my favorite cousin because he hooked me, my hubs and some friends up for the Jay-Z JT concert at Fenway a few months back.
Yes, he works for the Red Sox. That would cause me giddy excitement if 1. I gave a flying shit about baseball and 2. see number one. What I do give a flying shit about is sitting in a ballpark for a game or concert on a beautiful day or warm night enjoying all the perks of having a cousin who works for such an amazing place has to offer. I have indulged and Brendan has obliged because he’s awesome like that. Then he met his bride. She works for the Patriots. I know, seriously? That’s not what I love about her of course. I love her because she’s a bigger Packer fan then I am! GO PACK GO!
This Saturday, they’re getting married. Almost a year ago, they asked the twins to be in the wedding. I was so excited, I cried. Yes, at times I show human emotion. Now that the wedding is tomorrow I’m crying for fear of what they may say or do.
My fear list:
1. Them doing something they have seen on You Tube. Here’s a tip: when you’re trying to explain to a kid what being a ring bearer means, do not show them clips from You Tube! You know what’s on there, right? Kids crying, screaming, licking the floor and wrestling down the aisle. Why in God’s name would I not have screened these first? Because I’m tired. That’s why.
2. Yelling out “poopie” or “idiot” or Miles, in particular, telling a wedding guest “I’m going to punch you in the face.” They are obsessed with poop talk, think the word idiot is right up there with an f-bomb and Miles loves to tell me, his dad, and random strangers that he’s going to assault them. He’s precious.
3. They won’t budge. Lately when I remind them about the wedding and what they’re going to do they respond with “I’m not doing that!” Perfect.
4. The bride’s adorable nephew is also “walking” down the aisle with the boys. I put that in quotes because he’s three. Yes, three boys under the age of four walking down an aisle. What? My boys are supposed to help him get to the alter. When I tell them that and try to appeal to their machismo, saying you’re the big boys and need to help him, they both respond, in stereo, with “No.”
Brendan, if you’re reading this, don’t panic. I have taken measures to ensure success!
1. I have my car loaded with brand new Hot Wheels, Skylanders and Toy Story color changers ready for full bribery! If I have to hold those suckers at the end of the aisle like dog biscuits, I will…and they will run down the damn thing to get them. They’re like an audience at Oprah’s Favorite Things when they see any one of those toys.
2. Their Memere has also bribed them with $5 each if they walk, like gentlemen, down the aisle. Um, if these two were gentlemen there would be no need for bribery, right? Also, as they recall it now Meme, it’s $7 each so get your wallet ready.
Time will tell what happens. They have the coolest outfits I’ve ever seen, complete with bow ties & Chuck Taylors so at least they will look good.
No matter what, it will be memorable!
Have any funny wedding stories to share? Have your kids ever been part of a wedding? What was the outcome? Do you have any tips for me?